On Thursday, April 30th, I went in for my c-section to discover that my precious baby boy had passed away. Levi Craig came and went from this world on the same day. His heart stopped beating before he ever left my womb. He was 9 lbs. 4 oz. and 20 in. long. He had a head full of dark hair, a crease across his nose like my dad, and resembled Aidan. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
Words cannot begin to describe my grief. It has been a heart wrenching few days and will continue to be so for some time. I wish I could stop time. The world keeps moving and I just want to stop and mourn the loss of my baby. Quite frankly, this sucks. I have to suffer the pain of child birth, but have no baby to make it ok. I'm numb and I hurt all at the same time. It will never be ok.
I'm trying my hardest to rest in the knowledge that Levi now sleeps in the arms of Jesus, but I'm angry at God too. I don't understand why my son was taken from me like this. I wonder if I could have done anything differently. The doctor didn't see a reason for his death. I saw him on a sonogram two days before his birth. I felt him move the day before his birth. If only I could rewind the clock 24 hours earlier, he would still be with me.
I knew this baby for 9 months. We bonded. I talked to him. I knew his movements. But I never got to see his eyes. I never saw him smile. I never heard him cry.
My heart is heavy. I'm not sure how I'll ever make it through this.
15 comments:
Amy, I am so sorry.... I will never begin to know how this would feel. I'm certain it must suck. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.
I keep looking at that picture you have on your blog of Aidan, and I see that precious smile, and THAT is how you will make it through this. That precious little boy has already brought you so much joy, and he needs his you as much as you need him. Words can't describe how my heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine. I have been thinking about you and praying so hard for you over the last three days. You have totally consumed my thoughts and I am here for you. You are a strong person and with time, will be ok. I'm angry, too. I don't know why things like this have to happen, but I know that God is in control, and even though it is beyond our comprehension, that still gives me some relief. PLEASE, please know that I am here for you and I am merely a phone call (or facebook) away.
I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry, Amy. I will definitely be praying for you and your family.
My heart aches for you. Know that I'm praying...
Amy and Josh, words cannot express how sorry we are for your loss. Please just know that there are people out here praying for comfort for both of you. All I know is that Jesus loves the little children-both here on earth and in heaven.
We're praying for you and your family during this time. May God give you strength and peace as you mourn the loss of your precious baby boy.
We hurt with you and have no answers. We only have pain, in light of His promises, we are confused as to why things like this happen. We will continue to pray for you and share in your pain. Thank you very much for sharing the depth of your pain, your honesty is needed and helpful for you and all that you are going through this process.
that was us,- Ryan and Leslie
You and Josh and Aidan have been on my heart constantly. Like someone else said, know that people are praying for you - our whole ABF is. I cannot begin to imagine the pain. I understand being angry with God. Lord why? I'm just praying for comfort that is unexplainable other than from Him, for His loving arms to wrap around you, and for you to sense His care/love/peace in a new way. I will continue to pray, Laura Kelley
We sang this song in church this morning, and it was all I could do to not weep for you and your family.
http://gburnett.blogspot.com/2008/01/restoration-song.html
"You take my mourning
turn it into dancing,
You take my weeping
turn it into laughing,
You take my mourning
turn it into dancing,
You take my sadness
turn into joy"
And I once heard this, and while I know it is not much:
Now you never have to be afraid of dying, because your baby will be at heaven's gates to greet you.
I still really have no words. I don't understand why this has happened, but I do know that God knows and has a plan for your life that somehow includes this tragedy. He understands your anger right now and has drawn even nearer, as He, for one, understands the loss of a son.
As you go through a level of grief today that I can not imagine, my prayer is that God will mightily show His presence and, in some way, bring a measure of comfort to your hearts.
Please know that we love you and will continue praying for you. Call if you need anything!
Love, Undrea
my heart breaks for you and i am praying for you. my daughter experienced a perfect baby born still 18 months ago - oursydneygrace.blogspot.com - when you are ready, please feel free to go to her blog AND get in touch with her. she has walked in your shoes and only those who have had this experience can truly comprehend it. i love you without knowing you. jan margrave
Hi Amy. It's your cousin Robin, from NC. I just wanted to let you know that we are praying. I know there are no words that will comfort you. But know that you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and your family... ~Stephanie Young Nero
Amy,
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you have been and will be in our prayers in the days and weeks to come. You are a very special lady with a great family. I pray that you rest in the comfort of your Lord and Savior.
Brian and Julie Brooks
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