First Time Back

We did it. We went back to church last night for the first time since Levi died. I'm not going to lie. It was not an easy place to be. I was fine until I walked in those doors. Once I passed the doors, I clung to Josh's hand trying desperately not to cry; keeping my head down so I didn't have to look anyone in the eye because I didn't want to see the look of sorrow on others' faces. It's evident enough on my own. Straight ahead from the front doors is the nursery. The nursery I had to enter in order to drop off Aidan. The place I should also have been dropping off my Levi. I couldn't talk to anyone in there. I signed Aidan in and had to leave. Thankfully, Aidan walked right in. I was afraid he wouldn't want to go since it has been a month since he's been there.

The tears began as I walked out of the nursery and into the sanctuary. We found a friend to sit with. A friend who greeted me with a hug and understood that it was hard for me to be there. A friend who simply hugged my side when I couldn't find the words to sing. I didn't feel worshipful last night. All I could do was scowl at the words on the screen and scream at God in my head, "I don't feel this right now. I won't sing these words to You because I don't feel them." Hopefully, He understands. I honestly can't tell you what was said in the sermon. It was about holiness. That's all I picked up on. I texted during church in an attempt to distract myself and stop the tears. Is that so wrong? At least I was there in person. One baby step at a time, right?

After the service, I again put my head down and walked straight to our ABF (Adult Bible Fellowship) classroom. I couldn't bear to be separated from Josh and hold a conversation on my own. I'm grateful that he understood that without my having to say anything and just held my hand as we walked.

Josh taught the lesson last night. I wasn't aware he had agreed to teach until Friday night. I was surprised he agreed and I think most everyone in the class was too. Again, I don't know much of what was taught. It was over Mark 16 and had to do with Jesus' resurrection. I know that much because at one point Josh said, "No one raises from the dead," and I cried. I wish Levi could rise from the dead. Another good friend put her arm around me then. I love my friends. Josh ended the lesson with asking why we don't tell more people about Christ (maybe I remember more than I thought, it's coming back to me as I type). Then he said that if God can use him where he's at, with not feeling like being used, then He can use us all. God doesn't ask us to only spread His word when we feel like it. He asks us to spread it at all times and to use our stories and our current situations to relate to people like us. You can probably guess that both Josh and I were sobbing at this point. And we weren't the only ones with tears in our eyes in that room. (There were visitors last night though, and I did leave wondering what they were thinking with everyone in the room crying.) Josh asked someone to pray, and in his prayer he thanked God for our testimony. I hadn't thought of my situation in this aspect. To me, it's been grief and depression and something no one wants to know about or experience. Too many people are uncomfortable with what I have to say these days. But it's important to me to be able to talk about Levi and about how I'm feeling. God knows this and He wants me to use it. This is part of my testimony now. I'll never be ok with it. I don't even know that I'll ever accept it, but it's my life and my testimony. I still can't sing to God and I still can't worship Him, but I still believe and God still wants to use me.

We went out to dinner with some friends from our ABF afterwards and had a good time and good conversation with them. When we got home, we found a bottle of wine sitting on our back patio table from friends that couldn't make it to church last night. They had attached a note saying they were proud of us. Yes, I drink wine and so do my friends, so deal with it. Have I mentioned how much I love my friends?