Doctor Visit

I went back to the doctor today to have my staples removed. It wasn't done at the hospital since they discharged me a few days early. It was hard to walk into that office. The last time I was there, I had a living, kicking life within me. The last time I rode up that elevator I was on my way to have my baby. It was the fastest appointment I've ever had. As soon as I got there, I was lead to the back. I didn't even have to sign in. I lost it and started sobbing. The nurses hugged me and sat with me. They told me to call if I needed anything, even just to talk. They encouraged me to seek counseling.

I was lead to a room and my doctor immediately came in. My staples were removed and then we began talking. The report on my placenta had come back. My doctor said sometimes babies die because the placenta gives out, but not in my case. My placenta was doing better than normal. The cord and baby cells were checked as well. Those were also normal. In other words, there is absolutely no indication as to why Levi died. I'll never know what happened. If only I could rewind the clock. If only I had known 12 hours would make all the difference in the world. He was moving in my tummy before I went to bed Wednesday night.

He said it could take up to a week for my milk to stop producing. Whatever it is, I hope it's soon. I hurt. There used to be a drug on the market that would prevent your milk from ever coming in, but they took it off because one woman had a bad reaction to it. I wish it still existed. For people like me. I asked how long I should wait before trying to get pregnant again. 9 months. You should wait 18 months between each c-section, so if I get pregnant in 9 months and then go through pregnancy for 9 months, it'll be enough time. That's Februaury. My due date would be November. Josh asked if we would be emotionally ready by February. I honestly can't say. Right now, I feel a little bit guilty even asking about having another baby. As if people would view that as my replacing Levi. But that's not it. That's not it at all. Levi can never be replaced. Levi will never be replaced. But as a mother, I was ready to hold a baby. I was ready to nurse another baby. To raise another child. I need that.

Before Levi, I desperately wanted a girl. I wanted him to be a girl. Now I don't care. I don't care if I have a house full of boys as long as they are all healthy and happy. I fear my next pregnancy. It'll be hard. I'll be scared through the whole thing just knowing that at any moment something can go terribly wrong with no warning whatsoever. I'll certainly be more cautious and will most likely demand more sonograms and heartbeat checks. And under no circumstances will I allow another amnio. I'll always wonder if that's what did it. I've always been told they can be dangerous, but was assured there was only the tiniest of risks at this point in pregnancy. My doctor has discussed my situation with the specialist over and over and they say my amnio couldn't have gone more perfect, but I still wonder. But if they hadn't done the amnio, they never would have said to go ahead with delivery. They were afraid of delivering him too soon. Of having a baby on a respirator with low blood sugar. If only we could have seen the future. If only he had been delivered the day my test results came back. If only...