Today is a dreaded day. Today is the day sweet Levi would first be in my arms had everything gone right. Had I not developed too much amniotic fluid, had he not grown too big too quickly, today is the day he was first scheduled to be delivered. Almost 3 weeks after the day he died. 5 days before my due date. I should have still been pregnant during these 3 weeks that I've been grieving. I should be at the hospital this morning waiting to meet my precious boy. But I wasn't and I'm not. Instead, I'm sitting at home and missing him.
I blame myself. 13 (almost 14 now) years ago at the age of 13, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. I did great with managing it. But in the past couple of years, I've let it slip. After being juggled through as many endocrinologists as I have, you would too. I gave up on trying to find a doctor that would stick with my insurance, stay managing diabetic patients instead of finding bigger money making areas, and not move out of the Dallas area. Don't get me wrong, I still checked my blood sugar readings and gave myself insulin. My primary care physician started writing my prescriptions and doing my lab work. I assumed as long as I'm on the insulin pump, it can't be that bad. I still saw the eye doctor every year and no sign of diabetic glaucoma has ever been found. I knew I wasn't doing the best I could do, but I didn't think I was doing that bad either. Until now.
At 34 weeks pregnant with Levi, things started to get scary. Up until this point, everything looked great, but I hadn't had an ultrasound since 28 weeks. At 34 weeks I had an ultrasound that showed I had too much amniotic fluid and Levi was already measuring over 7 pounds. "A typical diabetic baby" is what I was told. I was sent to a high risk OB that same afternoon. He decided that I would be seen by both him and my regular OB twice a week until the end of my pregnancy. He told me that my risk of stillborn had gone up due to the amniotic fluid (my risk is higher anyway because of being diabetic), but that it was still unlikely to happen. At 36 weeks, Levi measured over 9 pounds, and my OB decided to do an amnio to determine if his lungs were mature enough to go ahead with delivery. They were. He scheduled my c-section for the day after my results arrived. Only it was one day too late. I felt him move the night before. I can still feel that one kick that I so vividly remember. I remember because afterwards I told him I couldn't wait to see his face in the morning. Now I wonder if that was his way of saying goodbye to me. I should have known. I should have felt him stop moving. I should have known something was wrong. I'm his mother. A mother is supposed to have those instincts.
If only I'd taken better control of my glucose levels then my amniotic fluid levels probably wouldn't have gotten so high. He wouldn't have grown so fast either. If only I'd known that yes, it really can happen to me, then I would have been so much stricter on myself. If I had just not been so stubborn about finding a stupid endocrinologist, then I could be greeting my Levi today.
So, given that there's been absolutely no other explanation, I blame myself. I feel like I killed my baby.
5 comments:
Blame is a part of greiving. Do you really think you deserved to have your baby die? Nothing you could ever do would justify that. God is not a cruel God. It happened for a reason. But not this reason. Mabye Levi had a hard life ahead of him due to things out of your control. Maybe something horrible was going to happen to him out of your control and God took him to spare him anything bad that was going to happen.
I can't imagine what you're going through. You can't blame yourself though. There are so many things that could have caused this horrible thing to happen. I know you need to place the blame somewhere though. I'm still praying for you.
amy - I know what you are feeling right now is so powerful and painful and real. I know what you are thinking "feels like its true'. But the things you are thinking and feeling are not true - they are lies from the pit of hell - lies from the evil one. I know you don't think that now - but know that satan is attacking you in your grief. I am so so sorry you are feeling all of this - I know its so dark and so painful and so lonely. I know it feels like God has abandoned you - he hasn't - but I know it feels like he is against you right now. KNow that satan is taking every advantage of that and attacking you. I so want to be there to give you a hug and listen - I know your sister is there. KNow I care and am sad:(
you know, amy, my daughter did everything right and her baby was stillborn. she wracked her brain looking back and tried to figure out all the little things that could have caused it. she had a perfect ultrasound the day before the baby died. please don't blame yourself - while it is totally normal to feel that way, i am praying that God will remove those thoughts from your mind. there are so many things we don't understand and we torture ourselves trying to figure them out. i am just so, so sorry that you are having to go through this. and i KNOW there are really no words that will make you feel better. just know there are many praying for you - even strangers who care. love, jan
Sweet Amy,
Sometimes I think one of the hardest parts about grief is searching for answers and coming up with nothing that will soothe the gaping wound in your heart. I am sad that you feel you are to blame but I understand your need for answers. You are on my heart and I continue praying and asking God to hold you gently as you feel you are falling apart and bring His peace to your shattered hearts.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
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