One Month

Levi would be one month old today. My arms feel more and more empty with each passing day. Time does NOT heal, and I will seriously slap the next person that tells me that. Time is making it more painful. Each passing day is a painful reminder of what I should have. Another milestone that I'll never watch my little boy reach. And with each unreached milestone, I feel myself slip further into my depression.

I try to ignore it. This morning Josh and I took Aidan to Hawaiian Falls in an attempt to ignore what today really is. It worked for awhile. I was able to focus solely on Aidan and forget Levi for a time. Not the whole time though. I questioned if I would have purchased season passes if I had Levi with me. I imagined sitting in the shade with him while Josh and Aidan played in the water. I wondered if I would even have been there if Levi had lived. But then I took Aidan down the waterslide and let him sit in my lap as we rode on the lazy river, and I saw him smile and heard him laugh, and for a brief moment in time my mind left Levi and concentrated on what I did have in my arms. My arms are not entirely empty. Just not as full as they should be.

I find myself feeling guilty for my grief. Is it wrong of me to just want to ignore life at times? To not want to get out of bed or move on with life when I still have Aidan? Am I doing Aidan a disservice by missing his brother so much? His brother that I only knew for 9 short months. His brother for whom I can only guess the color of his eyes were blue. I've laughed with and played with and loved on Aidan for over 2 years now, and I know his eyes are blue. Shouldn't that be enough? But dangit, I opened my heart to love another son. I made a place for him in my life and in my home. I prayed for him. And he's gone. He never came home with me, and he never will. And I can't just close off my heart to him. I long for him as I've never longed for anything in my life. Everything else I've ever wanted in life now seems so trivial. I'm left with a hole in my heart that can never be mended. A piece of me is forever missing. It left for heaven with my baby, and I won't get it back until I can hold Levi in my arms. I'm left with fear. Fear of losing another child, whether it's Aidan or a future baby. Fear of being left behind. Fear of loving too much. Fear of letting go. This fear has wrapped itself around me and I desperately struggle against it, but I'm afraid it's winning at the moment. Aidan should be enough, and I feel so so very guilty that I can't move past this.

One month has come and gone. I feel this will never be any easier.