Since Levi's too short life, I have come to cherish the life of my firstborn that much more. I am eternally grateful for him and the love and laughter he still brings to this house. Without him, I'm afraid our house would be eerily quiet except for the occasional (or more so) gut wrenching sob. I hear the sounds of him now as he plays in the other room, as he laughs with his daddy, and it brings a smile to my face. A smile during these dark days is priceless. My heart overflows with love for him and I have a hard time telling him no these days. Those who thought he was spoiled before ought to see him now.
But along those same lines, I often find myself thinking irrational and overprotective thoughts. I am absolutely terrified at the thought of Aidan getting into the car with anyone else unless I'm in the car with him. I have developed a fear of something happening to him and losing him too. If I'm with him, then that something might happen to me too, and it would be ok. My sister and sister-in-law will be keeping Aidan next week on consecutive days while I go to doctor appointments. Why am I having a hard time with this? They have both kept him before and nothing has happened to him. They're not taking him anywhere; they're just staying at the house with him. I hate having this internal battle within myself. I KNOW he will be fine, but the fear is wanting to overtake my life.
I pray nightly for Aidan, but it's not so much a prayer request as a plea and demand. "God, protect Aidan. Do NOT allow anything to happen to him tonight or tomorrow. Do NOT take my child away from me. I could not survive it." The same prayer. Every night. Over his bed.
So I ask, am I cherishing my son or am I overprotecting him?
1 comment:
cherishing. these feelings are OH SO common - after your experience with levi, it is SO normal to not want to let aidan out of our sight. for a while, you will cling to aidan and your husband more tightly - you will be anxious and think about the horror of losing either of them - it is NORMAL. these extreme feelings will subside and you will be left with an authentic appreciation for life and the blessings God has given you in the way of a wonderful husband and sweet boy. don't let anyone tell you you are overprotecting - yours is a reaction to losing something precious to you - something you didn't expect to happen. and it makes you so much more aware of how fragile life is. the anxiety and extreme feelings of protectiveness are a part of the grieving process.....praying for you still. love, jan
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