note about previous post

I knew before I hit the "publish post" button this morning that I would hear about it. And I did. Phone calls, emails, comments; all telling me it's not my fault and don't beat myself up. I know that. I know my thoughts are irrational at times through this process, but they're still my thoughts. And they still float through my head and haunt me regardless of what I know. And they haunt me until I get them out. This blog is for me. It's become my journal because I can type faster than I can put pen to paper, and my mind moves at a million miles per hour these days. I realize I've made it public by posting it on the internet, and that leaves me open to others' opinions, and that's fine with me, but understand that what I put here is a way of releasing it from my head.

I expressed my thoughts to my doctor this morning (I had an incision check today), and was told the same thing by him. There was nothing different I could have done. I did everything he told me to do. I saw a high-risk specialist and did everything he told me to do. I checked my blood sugars. All my test results came back normal. All Levi's test results came back normal. As far as he can tell, Levi's death was not related to me having diabetes at all. In fact, his best guess has to do with the umbilical cord being wrapped around Levi's foot. At the time of delivery, it wasn't pulled tight, but it's very possible Levi kicked wrong and it caught prior to that. But we'll never know for sure. Even my doctor admitted to playing the "what if" game. What if he had gotten the baby out one day earlier. But he didn't, and no one could have guessed what would happen.

It's just so hard, and some days I don't feel as if I will ever be able to move past this. Today was one of those days. On those days, you will experience very raw emotions from me. But please bear with me and continue to hold my hand as I walk down this road. It's a long, hard road and I need my friends.