Today I buried my son. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was unnatural. I've never really been to a funeral before. I never thought my first would be for my own child. I saw my precious Levi for the last time. I held him for the last time. I kissed him for the last time. None of it was easy. He was so cold. So still. So beautiful. They gave me a lock of his hair. He was buried with his teddy bear in the only outfit that was ever bought for him. I was waiting to bring him home to buy him new clothes. My mom bought him a beautiful blue smocked gown from the hospital gift shop the day he was born. That was the last time she'll ever buy him a gift.
I don't feel so good these days. I think my emotional grief is hindering my physical healing. I don't think I'll ever feel whole again. I can't make it an hour without breaking down. I don't sleep well. When I do sleep, I don't want to wake up. I feel guilty for Aidan's sake. He doesn't understand what's going on. Just that Mommy's not the same anymore. I can't even pick him up. He doesn't get that.
My home is filled with beautiful flowers. But they don't make me feel better. They just remind me that my son is dead. Because if he wasn't, they wouldn't be here. They do tell me that people love me though.
I'm shutting down. I feel myself withdrawing. The pain is not getting any easier. I watch others grieve around me, and it makes me grieve more. Maybe they wouldn't grieve as much if I didn't. I know my family hurts for me. I wish I could stop that. My dad told me today that he's sorry he can't fix this for me because he's always been able to fix things for me. I wish he could fix this.
I fear being alone. Josh is home this week, but his grief is strong too. Alone is scary. That's when my thoughts turn inwards and the pain hits the hardest. Josh goes back to work next week. I can't drive for another 2 weeks. I'll be stuck at home alone.
Next weekend is Mother's Day. It's also baby dedication at church. I won't be at church. I think people can understand why. It's hard for me to even watch TV right now. Too many Mother's Day commercials. I should get my mom something, but Mother's Day is too hard to think about. I'll try, but I hope she understands if I don't.
God, hear my cries. Ease my pain. I hurt and I'm angry. I don't understand why you allowed this to happen. I'm too numb to find comfort in your Word right now. I loved and prepared for my child for 9 months and he was stolen from me at the last moment. Completely unexpected. You knew you son was going to die. You had time to prepare. I hated burying my son today. He never even saw my face.
6 comments:
oh, amy, i am hurting for you. i know nothing makes sense and this pain seems unbearable. it won't help for me to tell you that though the pain will never go away, you WILL get stronger to deal with it. i know your dad's feelings - the EXACT words i said to my daughter over and over. it is a long, hard road. i wish there was something i could say to make it easier but there are no words. there is no understanding right now - just know that when you feel God is so far away, now is the time He is really closest to you. i am glad you are blogging - it is okay to be honest and brutal with your feelings and questions. it is part of the slow healing. i am praying for comfort for you. love, jan margrave
Amy,
I just wanted you to know how sorry I am for your loss. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. I do have a blog for you to visit when you are able. Not sure if you know the Christian group, Selah. The guy that sings on there, Todd and his wife lost their daughter minutes after she was born. she has the most honest yet amazing words and encouragement. I encourage you to read her story about Audrey Caroline. I hope it helps you some. http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html
You and Josh and Aidan are in our prayers!!
Amy,
You don't know me, I am part of the Wylie Mom's Group. I have been praying for you since I read what happend to Levi. Your words are so heartbreaking, your grief is so real and it is OK! Please know that we are here for you, whether it be to take you somewhere, visit to keep you company, or maybe even to take Aiden to the park. I will continute to keep you, Josh, Aiden and Levi in my prayers.
~Kristie Nix
Amy,
I just found your blog today through Jan Margrave. I am so sorry for your loss of precious Levi. I will never understand why these things happen, never. It is so unfair and heartbreaking to know another mother going through this. It is okay to be mad at God, He can take it. And He will carry you even if you can't find the words to speak to Him. Let us pray for you, and try and carry some of your unbearable burden that is breaking your heart. Someday, this will be a bit more clear to you, but not now. I am so sorry and my heart breaks for you. I will walk this journey with you however I can.
Much Love and Many Hugs, Laurie in Ca.
i pray that you will continue to share. this is part of your healing. we will pray. we will mourn with you.
We have never met..I found your blog via Amy's post on Mother's day. I want you to know how sorry I am. I did not lose my baby, but my 8 year old daughter. I was lost for about a year and a half. Did not understand why the world was moving and I was not. You need to grieve your way. THere is no "correct" way. Just your way. Please know that someone in Alaska is praying for you and that my angel Chelsea is taking turns rocking and playing with your little Levi.
Kathy
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