As much as I love the pictures I have of Levi, they are difficult to look at. Just when I think I have no more tears to cry or that my heart can't possibly hurt any more than it does, thoughts and images of what should be come pouring in and the flood gates open as I drop to the floor in agony once again. I haven't slept well since the evening I received the pictures, not that I was sleeping great prior to that, but I had been doing better. All my memories of that day are replaying over and over in my mind. I was so numb that day, but now I feel the pain that I should have felt then. When I feel like I can handle the whole story, I'm going to write out the events of April 30th. One day I'll appreciate that I have it. But right now, I can't relive it. It kills me just to remember moments, let alone the entire day.
Lately, I've been having dreams that disturb me. Not about Levi, but about Josh. I think I fear losing him now. We grieve differently and we haven't been talking much about it, so I began to think that maybe he didn't like me as much anymore. Maybe he blames me. Maybe he's angry at me for shutting down so much lately. I mean, he did tell me that he has to read my blog in order to know what's going on with me. I hadn't realized how much I wasn't telling him. He's been so good about letting me be that I hadn't realized I'm not letting him in. In last night's dream, he signed up for the army. He didn't even discuss it with me. He just showed up at home clean shaven and in full uniform as his way of informing me. He even knew that he was going to have to go away for a year, but he didn't discuss it with me. He just left. This morning he reassured me that he has no plans of ever enlisting in the army. But I'm still afraid.
It feels like I'm backtracking. I really did think I was doing better. I thought I was making it through this thing called grief. But not anymore. Now I'm back at the beginning. Unable to sleep, tears constantly threatening to fall, depths of pain I can't even begin to describe, not wanting to socialize, my appetite gone, but now you can add intense anger. I find myself getting angry with other people all the time. People who I know are just trying to help and honestly don't know what to say. I'm angry because I feel alone in my grief, and I don't want to be alone, but I don't like others thinking they know what I'm going through. Because they don't. Unless a person has actually given birth to a dead baby, they cannot possibly understand the depth of my grief. They cannot understand all my shattered dreams. They cannot understand what it is like for me to try and pick up the pieces of my life and put them together again when they don't seem to want to fit anymore. I'm angry at friends who said they would support me but haven't even tried to be here for me. I'm angry at people who try to pretend nothing has happened and go on like it was before. I'm angry at people who don't know what to say, so they ignore me. I'm angry at people who've said, "Call if you need anything," knowing I would never call. And I'm angry at myself for feeling all this.
4 comments:
Anger is a part of grief. That shows progress even though it doesn't feel like it.
One thing I have absolutely learned is that grief is NOT linear at all - and in the early stages you can got through all the stages of the grief cycle (numb, angry, depressed, hopeful) in a single hour.
At 7 months out, I find it takes me longer to cycle through and I now have more good days than bad but there are still things that can be a trigger - and I'm right back there, in that hospital bed with my beautiful girl in my arms. But the lows pass more quickly now - I live on a slightly more even keel than I did. I hope that encourages you a little.
the roller coaster is brutal - ups and downs - grief and then a little joy just to be replaced with a stay-in-bed grief day again. alyssa wrote about the different way she and ian grieved. she portrayed it like a walk on the beach. one of them was walking in the sand, seemingly taking smooth steps. the other was struggling against the waves pushing at ankles - and yet, they were holding hands as they walked. it so captured the struggle that a couple has. they also attended a grief group at a church that addressed that struggle and others that accompany such a devastating experience. keep putting your thoughts out there and sharing your deepest emotions - every single thing you are feeling and expressing is part of your journey. and don't worry about those who don't get it - the rest of us do. and we love you and understand. jan
and if you ever get sick and tired of my comments, please tell me! i don't have a very good filter! :)
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