chats

Tonight I had a long chat (5 hours to be exact) over coffee with a good friend. I think she first asked me out for coffee the week after Levi died, and yesterday she finally realized I was never going to set the date myself so she did it for me. And I'm grateful. So thank you (because I know you're reading this). She's one of the few friends who's really just sat and listened and let me talk to my heart's content. She didn't fidget or act uncomfortable about my subject matter or about the fact that tears came to my eyes. She wasn't offended by the fact that I admitted that I don't call anyone back or answer all my emails these days. And she understood that if I don't answer my phone it's because I'm having a bad day and I just can't talk about it at that moment (or I might be asleep and have my phone turned off; my nights and days are a bit mixed up right now), so keep calling me because I'll eventually pick up. She simply let me know that she cared.

I didn't know if I was going to write about this or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit it to the whole world, but here goes. I start counseling tomorrow. I didn't want to go when it was first suggested. I wanted to be able to work through this on my own or at least wait a few months and see how I'm doing. But this Saturday will be a month, and I don't feel any better about things now than I did 4 weeks ago. I already know the one month mark is going to be a tough one. I'm already wanting to be a recluse and stay in bed all weekend starting tomorrow. However, I promised myself I would go to church on Saturday, and I will, even if that's the only thing I make it to this weekend. I'm finding that talking helps, but that not everyone wants to hear what I have to say. Therefore, I finally decided I need to talk to someone who doesn't know me and that is not emotionally involved in any way, so tomorrow afternoon I start my first counseling session. I'm nervous. I'm nervous about opening up in front of someone and having to relive the painful stuff, and I'm nervous about being told things I don't want to hear. But I need to talk and I need someone who will listen.

Josh and I also had a good talk today. We're still grieving differently, but I think we better understand one another now. When we got married, we promised to stay put through the good times and bad. We just didn't expect this kind of bad. But we're holding on to that promise, and will hopefully come out stronger for it in the end.