Last night I made the mistake of going to bed without the aid of medicine, my thinking being that I don't want to become dependent on sleeping pills. I didn't sleep well. I was haunted by dreams. Dreams of what could have been. My darling baby boy in my arms, alive and kicking. Head of dark hair, blue eyes, beautiful. Our happy family of four outside playing. I woke up at 3 am to my reality. My heart wrenching reality. I did not sleep well for the rest of the night. Perhaps that is why I now sit here with a pounding headache, on the verge of tears at every moment, and question after question running through my head.
How does one grasp the concept that God is good when this type of tradegy strikes their home? I KNOW God is good. I've been taught this my whole life, and I've believed it my whole life, but why would a good God allow this to happen. And my head runs in circles as I ponder the fact that God is in control of everything, yet He did not CAUSE this to happen. How can one control everything, yet not cause certain things to happen? How can this be the result of sin, yet my baby boy had no sin in his life? It seems unjust that he died because of the fall of man, yet he had not yet been given the opportunity to sin. Is it me? Is it my sin that took him?
Over and over I've been told that through my struggles I'll come closer to God. This leads me down other thought paths. Was I not close enough to God before, so now I have to struggle to become close enough to Him? How much is close enough? How many trials must I face before I find peace in Him?
I know all the real answers to these questions, but it doesn't stop my mind from thinking them. It doesn't stop the turmoil that I exist in these days. I know what I've been taught and I know what I believe, but right now, it's just so stinking hard. I want to ball up my fists and scream at God that He is unfair and unloving. But I know it's not true. I know He very much loves me and that He grieves with me. Right now, I just don't want to believe it because if I didn't, then maybe this would all be easier.
For now, I cling to Psalm 147:3 "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." A broken heart is all I feel.
2 comments:
Thinking of you tonight and praying for your broken heart Amy. Still asking God to flood your heart with His peace. I'm so sorry. Cling to the promise that this scripture holds for you.
Love and Hugs, Laurie
amy, all those thoughts and questions are the same ones i asked when my granddaughter was born still. even my understanding of prayer changed. the hardest thing about this grieving is that it takes time - and we want it to be done with. and the hurt go away. there is a good book by c.s. lewis "a grief observed" that i would recommend. and, asking all those questions will help you process things. i love this quote: there is a difference in doubting God and doubting your understanding of God. love you and praying for you always, jan
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