Mother's Day

This has been a bittersweet day for me.

Never before have I been so thankful for this face. My silly, sweet, and loving Little Man.

But never before have I so desperately grieved this face. My precious Little Levi.

He was beautiful, wasn't he? Perfect in every way. I love his little upturned nose. I only wish I could know what he would have grown up to look like.

Today was supposed to be a happy day. A day I get to celebrate being the mother of two boys. Instead, I celebrated one and longed for the other.

Aidan was the reason I got up this morning. I really wanted to ignore today, but that's hard to do when you live with a 2 year old. I slept until 10:00 (although that hasn't been unusual this week), and would have stayed in bed longer if Aidan hadn't come running in yelling, "Mama, get up!" and pulled the covers off of me.

I spent a lot of the day reflecting. I shared some of these thoughts with Josh and my mom. Earlier in the day, Josh and I drove past a Buddhist temple that's close to our home. It was filled with people. I commented that it was sad that all those people think they're doing and worshiping the right thing, and one day they'll realize that they were wrong. It made me realize that I have a loving God. He understands that I'm hurting and I'm angry right now. He understands that I'm having a hard time turning to Him at the moment. But he hears the prayers of others for me. He hears my heart cry out when I have no words to say. And He stands beside me just waiting. Just waiting for me to fall into His arms and lay all my grief on Him when I am ready to let go. And He won't hold any of this against me. He accepts me for who I am, faults and all.

Levi went from my womb to heaven. He never knew pain (I hope. I like to believe he wasn't in pain when he died). He never knew sadness. He only knew love and comfort. And now he lives in the presence of God. He had a perfect life.

I hurt for what could have been. For what I know I'm missing. Holding a baby in my arms. The smell of a newborn. Listening to the coos of an infant. The first smile. The first laugh. The little sighs of contentment. Watching the bonding of brothers take place. I hurt for all that and more. I think I'll hurt for that my entire life. But one day I'll see him again. I look forward to heaven in a way I never have before. Because my baby boy will be waiting there for me, and I will finally get to know him.

Aidan is my joy. My sense of peace in knowing that I'm doing alright as a mother. Today I got hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. Hugs around the neck and hugs around the knees. He got me out of bed because he wanted to be with me. He loves me and I know it. I am a mother, and I have a reason to celebrate today.