Levi's Story Part 4

After the pictures were taken, I was taken to another room on the antepartum floor. They took me there instead of post partum, so I wouldn't have to see or hear any other babies. I couldn't hold Levi's body anymore, but I wasn't ready to send him to the morgue, so they placed him in a bassinet and covered his face with a small blanket before pushing him down the hallway with me. Again, I was taken aback by the fact that they covered his face.

This room was a lot smaller. I was sooo tired. The benadryl I had been given for my itching has started kicking in. My mom kept telling me to sleep, but I fought sleep. I didn't want to miss a single moment with my child. My dad had called my brother and Brian was on his way. The nurse asked me if I was ready to send Levi to the morgue (probably because no one was holding him at this point), but I wanted Brian to see him. When Brian arrived, I gave him the option of letting him hold Levi. He declined. I really didn't blame him. I don't know that I would have held a dead baby if it hadn't been mine. Plus, it had been several hours since he had been born, so at this point, he was turning blue. Aidan arrived at some point. I can't remember if it was before or after my brother, but I needed to hold him. He was placed on my bed and I just held him for as long as he would let me, which wasn't very long. He's a curious 2 year old, after all. He had to be taken off my bed because he kept wanting to push buttons, pull on wires, and climb on me. I'll never forget his reaction to seeing Levi. He climbed up to see into the bassinet, and said, "Night, night, baby." We left it at that. How do you tell a 2 year old that his baby brother is lying in the bed dead? You can't, so we let him think Levi was sleeping.

My doctor came in, looked at Levi, and said he was a beautiful baby. In fact, every nurse that saw him, told me how beautiful he was. My doctor then told me that the only thing he saw was the umbilical cord wrapped around Levi's ankle. He said it didn't really make sense because it's usually not a problem unless in around the neck, but that the blood was clotted inside. He said he would run some tests to see if any cause of death came up. Nothing did. The best guess is a cord accident, but they can't even be sure of that. I hate not having answers.

By that time, I was starting to feel a little uneasy. I decided to check my bloodsugar levels, and discovered they were high. I reached down to find my insulin pump in order to give myself a bolus of insulin, and discovered that my pump was missing. Long story short, my pump was lost by the hospital during my surgery. It must have been removed while the sterile pads were removed from my abdomen after my c-section and thrown away. The hospital checked the laundry and trash but to no avail. My doctor is also a diabetic, so he knew how important it was for my to get a replacement pronto. The hospital was trying to go through the proper channels to replace it, but he went directly to the dean of the hospital and got the ball rolling a bit faster. I had insulin injections ordered for that night, and by Friday I had a loaner pump to use and a check had been cut by the hospital for a new pump to be mailed directly to my house.

Friday is a bit of a blur. I know I had people in and out of my room all day. I also know that I asked for my epidural to be removed early Friday morning because I couldn't take the itching anymore. The reality of what happened had finally sunk in, and I spent most of Friday crying. We had to make decisions regarding a funeral. I decided what funeral home I wanted to use and who I wanted to perform the funeral, and then Josh, my dad, and my father-in-law made all the arrangements. I did take a shower and change out of my hospital gown that evening, so it made me feel a bit better. Josh and I had 6 of our friends visit Friday evening, which helped make the night go by quickly. We were most afraid to be alone and left to our thoughts.

My doctor allowed me to go home on Saturday even though I should have stayed until Monday due to my c-section. He said he knew that the last place I needed to be was in the hospital and put me on bed rest at home. Since I was leaving early, I left the hospital with my staples in place and was told to come back on Tuesday to have them removed.

Leaving the hospital empty handed was and is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. As I was packing up my things, I ran across the going home outfits I had selected for Levi. They brought me to my knees. Several nurses stopped me on the way out to tell me how sorry they were, and that they've been thinking about me the whole time I was there. I desperately wanted Aidan to sit in my lap so my arms wouldn't be completely empty, but he was too busy running ahead and pushing the elevator buttons.

We were spending the night at my parents' house so they could help with Aidan and because neither of us wanted to be in our home alone. We stopped by our house first though to pick up some clothes. We were astounded when we walked into our home. Our ABF from church had been there all morning on Saturday, and had left vases full of flowers and cards throughout the house. They re-lanscaped our front yard and planted pots of flowers in the backyard. They repainted Aidan's room and took down my crib and folded all of Levi's clothes away. I know some people will think that it was wrong of them to do this for me, but I had asked for it to be done. Aidan and Levi were to share a room, therefore, I simply could not go home and close the door on my nursery until I was ready to deal with it. I would be faced with it every day when putting Aidan to bed or picking out his clothes for the day. I didn't want to lose control of myself every time I stepped foot into Aidan's room, so I decided to change it from a nursery to a big boy room. I know where all Levi's things are, and when I am ready, I will go through it all. They had also gone grocery shopping for us and set up a care calendar for meals to be brought for 6 weeks and our yardwork to be taken care of for 3 weeks. Josh and I have never experienced community like this before. We were, and still are, so touched by the generousity of everyone.

After going through our home, we left for my parents' house.