Levi's Story Part 3

I was moved off the operating table and on to a bed. The nurses sat me up and I held Levi wrapped in a blanket. One of the nurses pulled the blanket up to hide the side of Levi's face that was facing away from me. She said, "No one should question this." That bothered me and made me a bit angry. I didn't understand why she would be worried that someone might notice I was carrying my dead baby through the halls of the hospital. I didn't say anything though. I couldn't say anything.

I was wheeled through the hall and into a labor and delivery room. At first I wasn't sure if it was a labor and delivery room because I didn't see the baby bassinet that I had been shown when I toured the hospital. I later found out my mom had the nurses remove it. The first person I remember seeing as I was wheeled into the room is Jeremy, the youth pastor at our church. I thought he had gotten there really quickly. Of course, my mom, dad, and sister were in the room. So was Paul, another minister from our church. Again, the shock of the day sets in, and I can't remember exact details. I know Rob, our church pastor, and his wife, Medea came in shortly after that. Medea immediately came to my bed, hugged me, and I'm pretty sure she cried with me. Josh's sister and husband showed up also. Both of them had been at work, but left as soon as they could to be with us. Josh's parents were in Wisconsion at the time, so his mom called two of her close friends to come be with Josh. He appreciated that. One of them shared with us that she, too, had a stillborn baby years ago. My grandparents came as soon as they were relieved of babysitting duties by friends of my parents.

During this whole time, I had been clinging to Levi. I don't think I cried much. I know there were tears in my eyes, but I really don't think I cried. My mom asked if she could hold him. I let her. My sister wanted to hold him also. Kathryn did too. My nurse asked if I wanted a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to come take pictures of Levi. I remember looking around at my family and not really knowing what to say or do, but finally saying yes after seeing everyone nodding their heads. My mom and sister then left to go to the hospital gift shop to buy an outfit for Levi to wear in the pictures. Mark left to go buy Josh a different shirt for the pictures as well. He had worn an old t-shirt to the hospital.

While everyone else was holding Levi, I asked for a glass of water. I must have drank it too quickly because I became incredibly nauseous. I was handed a pink bucket just in case I actually got sick, but thanks to my sister-in-law, the nurse, I didn't. She put an alcohol pad in front of my nose and had me breathe in. It quickly alleviated my need to be sick. The epidural also caused me to become incredibly itchy. I was given benadryl to help with the itchiness.

My mom and sister came back with two outfits and let me pick one. Mom had explained the situation to the cashier in the gift shop, and was allowed to leave with them without paying. I picked a blue gown with smocking across the chest. The collar was white. Mom went back and bought it. When she returned, I laid Levi on my bed and opened the blanket. I needed to see all of him. This is where I don't understand. He was whole. Completely and perfectly whole. Ten fingers, ten toes. His skin had started to rub against the blanket though, and the elbow that had been held against my chest had the most damage. His skin had rubbed off a bit and bled against the blanket. It scared me. I was afraid to touch it in fear of making it worse. The nurse had warned me of this though. She said it was because he died while submerged in amniotic fluid. She also warned me that he would begin to turn blue the longer I kept him. I look back at pictures now of Josh holding him, and he was purple. At the time, I didn't notice.

The photographer was there within an hour. By that time, my bible study leader, Susan, had arrived. I was shocked at seeing her because I really hadn't taken the time to get to know her all that well during the course of the bible study and it was obvious from the way she was dressed that she had come straight from the gym to be there with me. She stayed during the entire photography session. Since that day, she has become a blessing and a stronghold for me. The photographer drapped a black blanket over me to hide my hospital gown. My mom asked to dress Levi. The nurse put a diaper on him and I watched blankly as my mom put his one and only outfit on his body. Pictures were taken of Levi with every member of my family that was present. I know I've shared these before, but here are a few of them again. I wasn't sure how I would feel about these pictures, but I'm so grateful I have them.