Emotionally Drained.

Today has been an emotionally draining day, and quite frankly, I'm exhausted. This morning was the baby shower. I have to say that I am quite proud of myself for making it through. I managed to sit in my seat and not leave the room. I didn't even tear up until she opened the little boy clothes. The fact that Levi never got the opportunity to wear anything like that bothered me. It wasn't until after the shower, when Monica asked me if I was ok, that I really truly cried. She hugged me and let me cry, and I was glad to be able to get it out. I held a 6 week old baby while there, too. That sent all kinds of emotions flooding through my body. My arms often ache to hold a baby, so I was so happy to do it and touched that her mom asked me if I wanted to hold her, but my heart hurt thinking I never got to experience my own son fall asleep in my arms the way this little girl did.

I went fabric shopping with my mom after that. I priced fabric for the back of Aidan's quilt. I'm going to have to go back this week and get it. I also bought fabric for some items that have been ordered, so I'll have some projects to keep me busy this week. We stopped by Mardels while we were out too, and they happened to be having a one day only sale, so we browsed quite a bit. While looking at the angel figurines, we got into a conversation about what angels really are, and how I'm drawn to them even more now, and that Levi really is being taken care of - just not by me. Tears came again.

This evening we went to church. I don't sing during worship much anymore, and I wasn't tonight, but I was listening to the words. One song floored me. Honestly, I can't even tell you what the words were anymore, but that it was along the lines of God being there through the good and bad. I wish I could remember. Tears just began streaming down my face until I couldn't see anymore, and I had to sit down. I had a nice sob fest in the middle of church. Luckily, the music was loud enough that no one could hear me. Josh sat next to me and held me while I cried. A friend next to me gave me a much needed hug. I was ok after that. But then came Lifegroup, and Josh taught. On Job. On how Job is thought to be included in the Bible to show the worst possible human suffering possible, and how he still praised God and survived. So Josh cried through the teaching of the whole lesson, and I cried through the listening of the whole lesson. And when this passage was read: "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or cying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Revelation 21:4, I bawled like a baby.

Needless to say, Josh and I skipped out on eating out after church and just came home. We were both too spent to hold up fellowship with friends. I'm actually thinking about taking an Ambien and heading to bed in a few minutes. It's not often that I go to bed before midnight lately. I don't sleep well anymore, therefore, I make myself exhausted before laying down, but I'm already at that point and it's only 9:45. One would think days like this would be gone by now, but unfortunately, they're not, and I'm afraid I'll only have more to come.