Levi's Story Part 2

By this time my parents and sister had arrived at the hospital. I believe they arrived sometime during the search for the heartbeat. They had called Josh and told him they were in the waiting room. My OB left the room to tell them what had happened. The chaplain came in the room to talk to Josh and me about making decisions for the funeral. The funeral? I didn't want to think about that yet. I honestly don't remember anything that happened between the time the chaplain left and the time my family arrived.

My mom and sister rushed to my bed, and my dad hugged Josh. We all cried. A lot. Everyone hugged everybody and eventually everyone was around me as I sat on the hospital bed. Again, I don't remember the exact details of everything that went on, but I know my OB gave me the option of waiting however long I wanted to deliver and also told me we could either go ahead with the c-section or he could induce me. He didn't know how long it would take for me to deliver if I was induced because he had never checked my cervix since I was a scheduled c-section all along. I was surprised he had even given me that option. Doctors typically don't like to induce labor after a c-section has been performed, and I had a c-section with Aidan. I chose to go ahead with the c-section and to get it over with as soon as possible. I really didn't want to sit around with a dead baby inside of me. I started handing all my stuff to my mom, including my camera. The nurse asked if I wanted her to take pictures. I didn't answer. I didn't know what to say. Did I want pictures of him or not? As I stared into space, my mom made the decision for me by saying I would probably want them some day and my dad handed the nurse his camera.

Everyone but Josh left the room. The anesthesiologist and a couple nurses came in to administer the epidural. They had me sit on the edge of the bed with a pillow in my lap. Josh sat across from me. My nurse was in front of me rubbing my shoulders as I leaned over the pillow. The anesthesiologist kept telling me I had what he like to call perfect anatomy. I thought, "I don't care. Just stick the stupid thing in my back and get it over with." Obviously, I was above caring about pain. I just wanted to be done. It hurt to lean over Levi. He kept getting pushed up into my rib cage, and as I would try to breathe, I would sit up a bit. I got told again and again to lean forward and show off my perfect anatomy. The anesthesiologist was a little too upbeat for my taste. I felt like screaming at him to shut up because didn't he know the baby I was about to deliver had died. I realize now he was probably just trying to compensate for the sadness in the room. The epidural felt like it took forever to get into place, and I kept feeling popping sensations in my back. As soon as it was in, my toes started to tingle, and I said this. That was supposed to happen of course.

I was leaned back in the bed and my IV was put in. Again, I didn't care how much it hurt. I pretty much just laid there and let the nurses do whatever they needed to. Shortly afterwards, I was wheeled to the OR. I was told to cross my arms over my chest and trust them not to drop me. They picked up the blanket I was lying on from all 4 corners, rotated me so that I definitely almost flailed my arms out to catch myself as I felt for sure I was about to tumble to the ground, and then was transferred to the operating table. My arms were stretched out on little tables on either side of me. Josh was told he could come hold my hand again. A blanket was placed over my abdomen so that I could no longer see what was happening. Monitors were placed all over my body. The anesthesiologist began poking me to test whether or not I had feeling in my lower body. I didn't.

The surgery began, and I held on to the hope that my baby could somehow be revived after he was delivered. My hope was soon crushed. I was much more aware of smells and sounds this time around than I was with Aidan. As my OB cut and cauterized the bleeding, I could make out the smell of burning skin. I just kept looking at Josh and the ceiling. I didn't know what to say or do. Josh was told he could stand and watch Levi be born. He stood for a moment and immediately sat down with tears in his eyes. A few minutes later, a nurse asked me if I wanted to hold Levi. I was again struck with the same indecision as I was with the camera situation. Did I want to hold my dead child? I'd never even seen a dead person, let alone held one. I didn't have my mom to make the decision for me this time. I eventually said yes, and Levi was placed on my chest.

Oh my goodness, was he beautiful! He was perfectly formed in every way. I asked how much he weighed. 9 pounds, 4 ounces, and 20 inches long. He was a big boy. My big, beautiful boy.

The nurse asked if she could take him again to clean him up a bit and get footprints and the like. When they were done, he was given back to me, and I just stared into his face the entire time I was being stitched up.