We are hurting because of hospital bills, funeral bills, and doctor bills on top of our everyday bills. We had accumulated some debt prior to Levi from school loans and the adjustment period between my working and staying home, but were working our way out of it and had sworn off credit cards. Now I feel like we're being buried under debt and there's no end in sight. And I feel guilty for it all. I know this is where everyone is going to tell me that I have no reason to feel guilty and it's not my fault, but I can't help the way I feel. If I hadn't been pregnant, we wouldn't have all these extra bills to pay. If I wasn't diabetic, we wouldn't get hit with medical bills out the wazoo. If I didn't rely on retail therapy, we wouldn't have added to our credit cards. If it hadn't taken me a good 2 months to start cooking again, we wouldn't have eaten out so much.
To top off all this guilt, I don't work. I'm not contributing to our bank account at all. I tried telling Josh how I felt, and he simply told me that I'm home because we feel that's what my job is supposed to be. Not that I disagree. I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom. However, I'm not helping with our financial situation at all. I dabbled in selling Mary Kay for awhile in hope that I could bring home income, but it was a complete and total failure. Now I'm contemplating selling things I make, but I'm afraid to invest the money in it because what if I fail at that too and again lose a chunk of our money.
I can't even relax by having lunch with a friend. If I go, I end up searching the menu for the cheapest thing on there and feeling bad about spending any money when surely I could scrap together something to eat at home.
I hate feeling like this. As if life isn't difficult enough right now. We're still dealing with the death of our child, so you would think all the other areas of our life could get a little easier right now, but no, they just get harder.
2 comments:
Amy, check your facebook email. Robin Russell
We've been struggling financially too. I completely understand the retail therapy- I spent some on clothes because I didn't want to wear maternatity stuff anymore and yet my pre-pregnancy clothes were far from fitting. We also spent so much on plants and what not for the garden... I justified it by saying that we spent less on plants than we would have if we'd been going to counseling regularly (though we did do that some too) and I found it theraputic to work in the garden. I'm scared now because I know the financially responsible thing wouldn't have been to try for another baby at this point but yet I can't wait until I hold this one in my arms. I don't have any of the answers but I can tell you that you aren't alone in this aspect of grief either. To me it feels as though things like finances that were stressful before feel like even more of a burden to bear now... there are/were days that I could barely cope with my loss, let alone everything else that seemed to pile up as a result. Just take things one moment at a time... and don't be afraid to ask & accept help. It was hard at times accepting financial help from family yet we truly needed it.
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