*I wouldn't be working on turning Aidan's room into a big boy room because he would still be sharing the nursery with Levi. At the time, I had to get every piece of the nursery out of my home and I felt the best way to do that was the focus on making a special room for Aidan.
*I wouldn't be making a new quilt for Aidan's bed in order to match his new big boy room. I've now completed 4 out of 11 rows, so hopefully I'll have the top finished soon and will take pictures.
*I wouldn't be searching through my house for things to get rid of in the yard sale I'm determined to have in October. This idea occurred to me when I realized how much junk is in the closet in our extra bedroom-the bedroom that I'm now hoping to turn into a nursery around this time next year.
*I wouldn't be thinking about turning that room into a nursery if Levi had lived.
*I wouldn't be counting down the days to the end of the year for my body to heal so I can start trying for another baby if Levi had lived.
*I probably would not have gone to Austin this past weekend if Levi had lived because it's too hard to go out of town while nursing an infant. I did that when Aidan was 4 months old, and believe me, it was not a walk in the park to tote my breast pump all around New York City, although I had a blast that weekend!
My life has been turned upside down and I'm just now sure how to handle it anymore. I'm making it day by day, but sometimes, it just feels so unbearable. One baby step at a time, I suppose.
I'm no longer going to counseling, and I know that's a mistake, but I don't have much of a choice at this point. With my mom and mother-in-law going back to work, I no longer have someone to consistently watch Aidan for me. I'm sure I can find a friend here and there that can do it, but I just don't have it in me to hunt for somebody every other week. I tried getting an evening appointment, but of course, the only one available is on Wednesdays, and Josh and I have church commitments that day of the week. *sigh*
4 comments:
ok - so maybe we could work out me watching aidan once I get back from ohio and va. Once school starts with samuel will be in MDO till 2pm each day but mondays could work with me watching him - I could watch him if you had an appt at 3 or 4 - my girls have activities that night (well practically every night ) but that night they start at 6 so I have to leave at 5:45 - but I don't know if your counselor has any appts monday afternoons.
i wish i could watch him. blasted 4 1/2 hour distance
I still do the "if only's". I suspect I always will.
I hope that Aidan *LOVES* his big boy room.
love
Jill
Oh Amy! I do the same thing!! I wouldn't be going here or there if Logan had lived. I wouldn't be doing this or that, had Logan lived. We torture ourselves. I am so sorry for you and your little Levi. (((hugs)))
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