This has been a hard month, or rather a hard week I should say. I've seen two babies come into this world this week alone. I'm never bothered by the pregnancies. It's just the babies. I guess because I know the baby is not guaranteed until you hold him or her in your arms. These are babies of girls that I went to school with and grew up with. I should be thrilled for them. I am in a way. But I find that I can't tell them congratulations. I can't look at pictures of their babies. I can't feel anything but my own grief. I'm so taken up with jealousy. Why did their babies make it but mine didn't? Why was Levi chosen to leave me? Why must I suffer such heartache? I want my son back.
I have an overwhelming desire to be pregnant again. I know right now would not be the smartest time to choose to do so, but I long to hold a baby of my own in my arms. I'm already choosing baby names and searching for furniture and dreaming of nursery ideas. Sometimes I stop and ask myself why. I'm not sure I'll really want to put a nursery together until the next one is safe in my arms. I couldn't bear to tear apart another nursery.
I've come to the conclusion that time does not heal all wounds. Sometimes you just learn to live with the pain. My pain in constant and daily. Some days I cry. Some days I don't. Even if I don't appear to be hurting, I am. I'm just learning to move on with life in spite of the pain.
Levi,
Mommy misses you. Mommy loves you. I wish I had been given more time with you. You have taught me to cherish life and to love those around me without abandon. You have taught me to speak up for what I believe in. You have shown me that life is never guaranteed, so I don't have time to take my time. I wish with all my heart I hadn't been taught these lessons. I would rather hold you in my arms.
Jesus,
Take care of my son until I get there. Tell him Mommy loves him so so much.
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