A Year Ago...

It's been a rough few days for me emotionally speaking. I don't have a particular reason for any of it. I guess I just really miss Levi this week. I've been thinking about him quite a bit lately. I had a conversation about him with a new friend tonight at church. It was nice to be able to talk about him and show off his pictures. She cried with me, hugged me, and LISTENED. Sometimes I just need to talk about him and I just need someone with a willing ear to listen. My mind is whirling tonight and at 2 am I am unable to fall asleep.

For some reason, I have a fear of becoming pregnant this month. I'm on birth control and I haven't really worried about it up until this point, so I've been concerned as to why it's bothering me so much now. A couple hours ago it dawned on me that I became pregnant with Levi in August of last year. It has been one year since this journey with a very sad ending began. If only I had known how my life would be drastically changed through this journey a year ago. Maybe I could have prepared my heart just a little bit.


I desperately want another baby, but my body is not ready to be pregnant again quite yet. I know myself well enough to know that if I don't give myself ample time to fully heal, then I will fret about something going wrong (like I can actually prevent the worry, but I don't need to add worries onto worries I already know I'll have). I also don't think I could handle being pregnant in the same time frame that I was with Levi.

I just miss him.