Ramblings of a depressed woman...

I'm having a hard week. As hard as I try to fight it, depression is setting in big time. I don't even know what I'm going to end up writing about here, but I just felt the need to write and release some of it. Perhaps I feel this way because I just passed the two month mark of Levi being gone from me on Tuesday. Perhaps it's because I stopped taking my anti-depressants. I'm not very good at remembering to take daily medication as it is, but I especially got out of habit while in Katy. Then I started wondering if it was really doing any good at all and I didn't want to become dependent on it-lately I've heard too many stories of people struggling to come off of the meds-so I just stopped. Maybe I should take them again. Perhaps I'm down in the dumps because I now see Levi's face on a daily basis. We framed and hung his picture in our living room right next to the television. And in the hallway. And in the kitchen. And possibly in our bedroom as I contemplate whether or not I like the placement of one of the photos. It's important to me that he's recognized as a vital part of our family when others come to my house, but it's also hard on me to see what I don't have placed so prominently in my home. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to get my house clean. The carpets are always spotted, the kitchen always has dishes piled up, my bedroom is a constant disaster, the bathrooms don't stay clean. Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry in the middle of my cleaning because it's never ending. Perhaps it's because Aidan no longer wants to wear clothes or a diaper and I'm tired of fighting the battle. I'm contemplating potty training so I don't have to fight with diapers anymore, but I honestly don't have the energy to follow him around all day to make sure he gets to the bathroom on time. Plus that adds to my cleaning dilemma if I let him run free while naked. I hate carpet. I want wood floors, or even laminate will do, in my living room, but I don't think we can afford them anytime soon, so I'm stuck with spotted carpets that embarrass me. I keep telling Josh it would be a good birthday present for me. My birthday is another sore subject. It's in two weeks and I'm dreading it. I don't want to celebrate without my baby. Another year older and my family plans are ruined. Maybe my depressed state is all of these things and more combined. Whatever the reason, I wish it would go away.

I'm having a week in which I really truly do not want to get out of bed. I want to sleep the days and all the pain away. I'm supposed to be starting a diet with my mom and sister. Even my counselor wants me to do it. Getting rid of the post-partum body is supposed to help with my healing process. I've only been on this diet for two days and I've already blown it. It's easy to do when you really have no one keeping you accountable except yourself and you really kinda don't care. Mom and Megan are living together for a month, so they help one another out. I'm kind of left on my own over here and I'm feeling pretty lousy.

In an attempt to get out of my funk, I suggested taking Aidan to his first movie tonight, and we did. We took him to see Ice Age in 3D and fully expected to have trouble keeping him interested. He surprised us, however, and sat and watched the entire movie. He talked through a lot of it, of course, as he pointed out all the things that interested him, and he laughed when everyone else in the theater laughed (half the time I'm pretty sure he didn't get what was so funny considering it involved some adult humor). We could have saved some money though and just gone to the regular showing. He wouldn't wear his 3D glasses. Oh well. We had a good time and it was a fun family outing. I think we all needed it.

But I'm at home again, not sleeping at almost 2 AM, and thinking all these depressing thoughts. Maybe it's my house. I was fine for most of last week while I was at my sister's house. My house has lots of reminders. I'm very seriously considering purging most of my belongings and having a yard sale. I'm not sure what I have that anyone would want to pay money for, but it might be worth it for some extra cash, cleaning house, and a way to keep my mind occupied. We'll see.

If you've made it this far, I'm impressed. Thanks for reading. I'm going to try to get some sleep now.