This morning was a bit of a tough one for me. Aidan and I went to a playdate at one of my dearest friend's houses. (Love you, Mon!) I had received a phone call from her a couple days ago warning me that there were going to be a few babies there and that her nursery is complete, but I didn't have to go in there if I didn't want to. I totally appreciated that phone call, but didn't really think much about it, and felt I would be completely fine at her house. I mean, this is my best friend who has been my stronghold through this all. She knows everything I'm going through and can take the truth from me whether it's pretty or not. Surely I can survive a morning at her house. Or so I thought.
As soon as I walked in I saw a mommy and baby. I just walked on by. Aidan and I went to play with Abbey. After a few moments, I decided to take a look around the house as Monica has done some rearranging since the last time I was there, and I knew I wanted to see the nursery, but that I needed to see it alone. Oh, it's absolutely precious. A baby boy's perfect nursery. Complete with airplanes. Airplanes. Levi's quilt has airplanes on it. I couldn't be more thrilled for Monica. I know how much she wanted a boy, and I'm so so very happy for her. But I'm also the tiniest bit jealous, and she knows this. I'm glad I walked into that nursery alone because it most definitely brought tears into my eyes. Tears of happiness for the little boy that's soon to be here, and tears of sorrow for the little boy that's not here. Oh, how my heart misses him.
Remember that baby I saw as I walked through the door? Turns out she'll be 3 months next week. Levi would be 3 months next week as well. On Thursday, actually. Talk about painful reminders of my Levi. As I heard about her birth story and the upcoming births of some other pregnant mommies, I had to leave. Monica graciously offered me her bedroom, and I took a few moments to cry on her bed. These women don't know my story; we just all happen to be friends of Monica, but I couldn't help but think shouldn't they be more aware of what's going on around them? Although, I used to be like them. I used to love sharing my story of Aidan's birth. Now I know better. Now I know I could be chiseling away at someone's heart if I share a story of a triumphant birth and the joy that follows. One part stuck out at me. She was asked if it hurt and she said yes and made a face. I wanted to scream, "So what if it hurt! Look at the precious bundle you hold in your arms! Doesn't that make it all worth it?!" I would physically hurt a million times over if only I could hold my Levi alive and breathing in my arms.
Monica, don't read this and think I didn't enjoy myself, because I did. Those two moments just got to me. Aidan and I had a fabulous time at your house. But I did come home and knock out a good chunk of Aidan's quilt in order to occupy my mind while he napped. If I keep at it, his quilt will be done pretty soon!
3 comments:
I love you too, friend.
3 months. wow. It's hard for me to imagine. I hate that Levi will forever be a newborn in my mind. I love you. My heart misses Levi too.
I think it shows your strength to see other young babies and pregnant women. You will have to forever put up with people's *seemingly* casual or lack of appreciation for a happy pregnancy ending. It's so easy to forget how precious life is. That's one thing you have that others don't. You can't forget.
I am the woman and mother of the baby you are talking about in your blog. I am truly sorry for any grief that I may have caused for you.
I do know how lucky I am to have this precious bundle of joy in my arms. And I don't care that it hurt, I was simply answering a question that someone asked me. The face I made, wasn't anything towards not being grateful for what I do have. Yes it does make it all worth it.
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