Three Months

As I've been going about my day today, a song that I remember from years ago came to mind called Big Yellow Taxi by Amy Grant. A portion of the lyrics say, "Don't it always seem to go / That you don't know what you've got till it's gone." It's been playing over and over in my head for the past hour, and I can only respond by saying that is so very true. It never once occured to me that I might lose my Levi until I did. I think I took being pregnant for granted. I didn't understand how much of a miracle pregnancy and birth truly is. Until now. The now in which I've lost my son.

Today is the 3 month anniversary of his death. It's been a tough week, but today isn't so bad. I believe my anticipation of today made my week hard, but now that today is here, it's just another day.

I have been challenged greatly this week. I just finished up the last week of the Beth Moore Bible study I started shortly after Levi died, and in it, I was convicted. Let me share a quote:

"One of the dearest treasures in your darkness will be the God-song He will give you if you'll receive it. To stand in the presence of the Lord when you'd rather go to bed and never get up, and to praise Him in the night when taunting voices tell you to curse Him-these things are nothing less than a battle cry of victory."

Umm...wow. Talk about talking straight to my heart. Wanting to go to bed and never getting up? Wanting to yell at God rather than praise Him? Can we say this was written specifically for me? I haven't praised God in the last 3 months. I haven't worshipped God in the past 3 months. I stand in church and refuse to sing because it hurts too much. How can I praise someone who could have stopped the death of my child but chose not to? But this quote woke me up. It made me realize that Satan wants me to feel this way. He wants me to be so angry at God that I never praise Him again. He's using my pain to pull me away from my Savior, and I need to fight against it, even if I don't feel like it.

In the concluding video, Beth Moore talked about Psalm 84:1-7, but verse 7 really stuck with me. "They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion." We are not expected to have all the strength we'll ever need in a lifetime at once. We cannot look at another person and say, "I could never do that." The grace of God will always be there for the next situation with a new supply of strength. That's the only way I'm making through my current situation. God has given me the necessary strength and is helping pull me through, and I'm just now recognizing this. The Bible tells us that we will go through times of sorrow and there is a time for tears. My time is now. Hopefully this means that this is it for me, but we're not promised that either. I just know that God will give me strength again if and when I need it.