I get a lot of comments from a lot of people telling me that I'm a strong woman, or my journey inspires them, or they love how real I am and how I'm not afraid to share my emotions, or that I write beautifully. Quite frankly, I don't understand these comments.
I don't feel strong. I simply keep moving because I don't have another choice. Oh, how I wish I could just lie down and wallow in my self-pity, but I can't. Even though I lost one child and I will mourn him every single day for the rest of my life, I have another child who doesn't allow me to sit still. Losing one child has left me with the determination to make sure Aidan doesn't miss out on anything in life, so I move forward for his sake. Somedays, it is only for his sake that I go through the motions of daily life. If it was just me, I'd still be in bed.
I've never been one to hide my emotions. I couldn't even if I tried. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. My sister once told me I was a drama queen in high school. I was offended when I first heard it, but now looking back, I realize she's right. Anybody and everybody has always known when something is bothering me. I guess it's who I am. So it wasn't a choice of mine to open up. I just did it naturally out of need for others to help me. I got so upset about the sermon at church last night that I ran out. A public spectacle for all. See, drama queen = me.
I'm not a writer by any means. The words that form on the screen before me are simply a result of my mind spewing forth a million thoughts at once. So much flows through my head that it has to come out somehow, so down on the computer it goes.
An inspiring journey? That's the one that baffles me most of all. Who in their right mind could be inspired by the crap that I have to endure? This is not something that I would ever wish upon anyone else. The pain, the hurt, the anger, the confusion, the sadness are all things no one should ever have to encounter. But here I am, stuck in the midst of it all, trying to dig my way out, and not seeing an end anywhere in sight. Who wants this? Who wants to be inspired by the ugliness that encompasses me nowadays? I not only mourn my son, but I mourn who I once was. My innocence was robbed from me and I want it back! I feel trapped as I try to figure out what my new normal is now.
I write this to ask you to tell me how. Don't just say that my journey inspires you or that I'm strong or any other thought that comes to you, but tell me HOW. How are you inspired? I need to know what good has come from my child's senseless death, if any.
2 comments:
I think what they mean is that your strength inspires them. Just the fact that you ARE NOT laying in bed still, and that you continue to mother Aiden as well as you do. That is, of course, inspiring.
I understand what you're saying but I also agree with Kim. We are not who we once were- and we will never be those women again. No one will ever envy us or want to experience our journey but before I walked in these shoes I could not have imagined life continuing in any form after a loss such as ours... but it does... we keep living. It is a struggle, it isn't the life we want, but we get out of bed each morning. That alone is more than most picture themselves being able to do. I think when most people look at what we have gone though they reassess their own lives and count their children as the blessings they are... in that alone they have been inspired... despite Levi's death you still seek God, that's more than some people do that have never had any pain or sorrow, that is inspiring and encouraging... you've lost weight (I've found it)- for someone who comfort eats that is inspiring... I could keep going but I hope you find hope knowing that even though you may not see it, your life is inspirational- take comfort in knowing that.
Post a Comment