I had another appointment with my OB today. The annual exam, that is. Yippee. Anyway, he said that I seemed better even though he knows I'll never be "over" Levi's death. He contributed some of that to the medication I've been on, so he went ahead and wrote out a presciption for a year's worth of it. For those of you who expressed concern over me not taking it, know that I started it back up the day after I posted that blog. I think part of it was me needing to know that it was actually helping, and I now realize that it is and that it is a necessary part of me dealing with my grief. So, as much as I don't like the idea of being "medicated", I'm taking my doctor's advice and continuing with the medication. Plus, I found out you're not supposed to just stop taking it. You have to be weaned off under a doctor's supervision.
Ok, enough about my medication. I've been concerned about there potentionally being a limit on the number of c-sections a person can have performed, so I asked today. He said he's performed up to 6 on a single person with no complications, so if I want to have 3 or 4 kids that would be perfectly alright. That was a huge relief for me to hear. I honestly don't know at what number I'll want to stop having kids. Now that I know horrible things can happen and kids can die, I'm not sure when I'll be ok saying, "This is it."
I asked again about when I can try again, just to be sure. Again, he said it's recommended to have 18 months between c-sections, so 9 months would be the best. However, he's had patients in the past that haven't waited that long and everything was fine, so if I happened to get pregnant prior to 9 months (7 months from now), there wouldn't be a need to worry. With all that in mind, I'm thinking we'll start trying again at the first of the year. A 2010 baby. He also (jokingly) said he would just have me live at the hospital towards the end of my next pregnancy. Fine by me. The more check-ups I get, the more peace of mind I'll have.
As much as I really want another baby, I really don't want to be pregnant again. My pregnancy with Levi was not fun. I was miserable towards the end. Usually, all that is totally worth it the minute the nurse places your baby in your arms. My baby was dead when he was placed in my arms. He didn't get to come home with me to distract me from my post-partum body. I don't have the newborn bundle of joy to cause my memories of pregnancy to fade. I remember it all very clearly. I'm also terrified that something will go horribly wrong again, and I'm sure that fear will stay with me for the entire 9 months of pregnancy. I'm already pleading to God to take that fear from me, but it's latched on tight.
1 comment:
I had a c-section with my Levi too. One Dr. recommended a year, another recommended 9 months to a year. I don't know how I would've done phyically if we'd concieved earlier but emotionally I'm glad we waited before we started trying again. (I might change my mind about that though if the waiting continues too much longer but even with that I'm trying to be patient and trust)
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