Two Months

My precious Levi,

I cannot seem to fathom the fact that it has now been two months since I first held your lifeless body in my arms, since I kissed your beautiful face, since I cried my first tears of grief over your too soon passing. My heart aches for you. My arms long to hold you.

Yesterday, we took your picture to be framed. Your big brother, Aidan, immediately recognized your face and called you "Baby Lebi". Oh, how I wish I could hear those words from his lips daily as he plays with you. You look so much like him, you know. The same little chin. I think you would have been the best of friends.

I miss you so so much, my darling son. You took a piece of my heart with you to heaven. I'm glad it's there with you, but how I wish I could have it back. How I wish I could look into your sweet face and see a smile. I know you are safe and you are happy, and for that I am thrilled, but I hurt deeply because you are not with me.

I sit in the background as I watch many of my friends go on the have their babies. Babies that were to be your friends. It's hard to watch. I'm truly happy for them, but at the same time, I feel incredible envy. Why did they make it here and you did not? Why my Levi? Why me?

Two months has not made a difference in my grieving of you. If anything, it's almost harder. Life is going on, but you are not a part of it. I'm hanging on to the memories of you moving inside of me. I'm thankful that in that way, I did get to hold you. I want to be strong for you, but I'm afraid I'm not. I fall apart in the dark corners of the house-the house where I should hear your sweet cry and kiss your little nose. Lately, as I try to be strong, I remember the one day I was. I see your tiny blue and white casket being carried down the road by your grandfathers in front of me. This is not an image I want, but it is an image I have. This is an image no mother should carry in her heart, but sadly, it is in mine.

I love you with ALL my heart and I will forever miss you.
Mommy