Thoughts of Mine

I have a hard time blogging anymore. I just don't know what to write because I don't know what to feel. I'm doing better, and I'm not in a constant form of grief anymore, but that makes me feel guilty because it causes me to wonder if I'm not missing him enough. Don't get me wrong, I do miss him, terribly so. Daily, my heart aches for him, but I just don't suffer from debilitating grief anymore. I wouldn't say my grief cycle is over though. There are still days that floor me. Days that leave me sobbing on the ground and screaming out to God, "Why me? Why my child? What did I do wrong?"

I'll never understand this. I don't ever see myself accepting that this actually happened to me either. It still feels dream-like. Did this really happen? Am I really living this nightmare? Will I ever wake up?

I don't care how many people tell me this will one day be turned to good. People, think about what you are saying to me. How can the death of my child EVER be good? It can't. It just plain can't. I have already been told by a few that Levi's story and watching Josh and me go through this together has helped them in some way or another. For that, I'm glad. I'm glad Levi's legacy will be lived on in some form. It can't not be. I am forever a changed person because of him. He makes me who I am today. But, it won't ever be good. Not to me. I'd rather have my child.

The holidays are beginning which means the day we can try again is fast approaching. I'm both excited and scared out of my mind. I'm ready to try again, but I'm afraid of becoming a crazy woman who calls the doctor every time I don't feel movement, every time I fear the heartbeat has stopped, every time I feel a different sensation. I don't want to be that person, but I don't see how I can not be that person. Not after what has happened to me and Levi.

I feel guilty that I still haven't gotten Levi a headstone. I said I would and I said I'm ready, but I still haven't made the move towards it. I wanted to have it done by the time 6 months hit, but seeing as that's coming up on the 30th, it's not going to happen.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today about what Aidan might remember years from now. I know it's not common for people to remember much before the age of 5, but there are snapshots of memories that occur. I wonder if he'll remember that Mommy was sad a lot and needed his hugs, or that Mommy had a hard time getting out of bed and needed his help. I hope and pray that what is happening to me doesn't affect him. I desperately want him to have a happy childhood and to know, without a doubt in the world, that he is loved and cherished - more than he can ever know. How can a person not cherish the children they were blessed with after losing a child they so desperately wanted?

I'm in a bible study that every week has brought some kind of hard reality to my mind. Last week was on Deborah and things in life that overwhelm you. This week is on Hannah. I haven't started yet because I know she suffered from barrenness and cried out to God for a child, and I'm just not sure what that's going to do to me yet. I prayed for my child, and he didn't make it. Maybe the next one will, but I'm not guaranteed that.

I still can't sleep at night. Josh keeps pushing ambien on me, but I just keep hoping that eventually my sleep cycle will return to normal. Not sleeping at night leaves me exhausted during the day. Some days, I'm ok, but others, like today, require me to nap while Aidan naps. I hate those days. They leave me feeling like I got absolutely nothing accomplished.

I envy people who can say their life is perfect.