Levi's Story - Part 5

Levi's funeral was the following Monday. We held it at Williams Funeral Home on S. Garland Rd. When faced with choosing a forever place for Levi's body to rest, I didn't know where to begin. Therefore, I chose the one closest to my home. It was also based on the recommendation of a family friend and the fact that they have a babyland area. I had asked our church minister, Paul Dorsey, to perform the funeral service for us. This was special to me because I feel as if I've known him forever. His daughter has been my sister's best friend since the 4th grade, I believe, and he married Josh and me.

My mom and sister had taken me shopping the day before. I was a mess because I didn't know what to wear to a funeral. I had never been to one before. I hate that my first funeral was my own child's. It made me wish I had taken the time off of work and shelled out the money to fly to N. Carolina the previous year to attend my grandmother's funeral. Maybe then this wouldn't have been so hard. I doubt it though. My mom bought me a black maternity wrap dress that I really like and told her I would wear again, but haven't been able to put back on my body to this day. I remember being cold all the time, so I wanted panty hose, but was afraid they wouldn't fit over my stomach and incision, so mom and Megan took me to Target and helped me find thigh-high hose. My mom also gave me the baby shoe necklace with Levi's name and birthdate engraved on the backside to wear. The engraving hadn't been done yet because she thought I would want to wear it to the funeral. She was right.

I carried Levi's quilt and teddy bear with me into the funeral home. I remember looking around and realizing that a lot of people were already there. I didn't know what to do or say. A few friends came up and hugged me. We were taken into a small room where I was allowed to hold Levi one last time. He was cold and heavy. I cradled him in my arms and cried over him for awhile, kissed his face, and then I passed him on to Josh. Josh held him for a bit, and then placed him back in his casket. His casket was so tiny. A casket should never be that tiny. Josh picked out a blue and white gingham casket for Levi. It had been placed on top of a table. We put Levi's quilt under his casket and his teddy bear in the casket with him. He was still wearing the blue smocked gown my mom bought for him. He was wrapped in the hospital blanket though. I was upset about that. I had meant to get him a nicer blanket, but forgot, and hated that he was still in the hospital blanket. I wanted to take it off, but there were spots on his gown that were stained with his blood.

The doors were then open, and for 2 hours, people poured in and out of that room to see my baby and to hug us. I couldn't believe the number of people that showed up. I didn't even know that many people knew what had happened. I only told a few friends as I was avoiding most calls and interactions with people.

Everyone kept telling me to sit down, to rest, to drink water, but I couldn't. I had to be strong. It was my one day to do something for my child, and I had to be strong for him. Yes, I cried. I cried a lot, but I stood in my heels and my dress so that I could be a mother for my son. My parents stood behind me constantly. They never left me alone. I always had a hand on my back letting me know they were there. I needed that. That helped give me the strength I needed.

When those 2 hours were up, the funeral director cut a lock of Levi's hair for me to keep and then closed the lid of the casket. My dad and Josh's dad, Levi's grandfathers, carried him in his casket down to his grave site. Josh and I walked behind them. I clutched Levi's quilt the whole way. I refused a wheelchair or car. I needed to walk. Everyone got silent as we walked through the room to the outside doors. They then followed in a line.

Chairs were set up at Levi's graveside. Family sat in the front row. Levi was placed on a table. Flowers were brought down. Paul performed the memorial service. The only part I remember is him asking Josh for his wedding ring. He quoted a line from our wedding service about how a ring is made. I don't remember the exact reasoning behind this. Maybe one day I will. Romans 8:28 was also quoted.

Josh and I remained seated after the service and people filed by to hug us one last time. I watched as the hole in the ground was uncovered. My mom kept trying to get me to leave. She thought I wouldn't want to watch my child lowered into the ground. I wanted to see it though. She kept asking me if I was sure. Josh stood up at that point. He did one of the bravest things I have ever witnessed. He picked up Levi and lowered him into the ground himself. One of the hardest and proudest moments I have ever witnessed of my husband. I could not have done that. But that was his moment to do something for his son. To be Levi's father. He got dirt on the sleeve of his shirt. I scrubbed and scrubbed at that stain for weeks before it came out. He wouldn't wear the shirt again with that reminder on it. Bleach finally did the trick.

Even though I watched as my child was lowered into the ground, I couldn't watch as strangers threw dirt over his body. That part did me in, so that's when I got up to leave. My Papa pulled up his car at that time, so I left with my grandfather. Nanny got in the car before we went back to my parents' house. I remember thinking it was very fitting that I sat in the car with them. They've been through this before. They buried their son years ago, so they recognize the sorrow in my eyes.

At my parents' house, people had brought food for us. A plate was brought to me, but I could hardly eat it. I stood in the kitchen and stared at one point, thinking, "This should look good to me, but nothing does." My mom understood and didn't force food on me. It was about 2 weeks before I could really eat again.

Josh and I both fell asleep, and slept hard. My mom said that was a good thing because grief can really wear a person out. Leftovers were served for dinner, and Josh and I returned home, to our baby-less house.