Missing Pieces

I've been thinking about Levi a lot these past few days - not that I don't think about him daily, but lately, I'm back to the beginning. My heart is heavily burdened. I don't have a reason. It just is. I've been told this is a part of the grief cycle - to be ok for awhile, only to be thrown backwards into the pit of despair again. I don't like this backwards part.

I miss him terribly. There is a gaping hole in my heart and in my family. Forever a missing piece. I fear my family will never feel complete no matter how many children my future holds. I fear my pain will never end and that I'll never be whole again. I'm broken beyond repair.

I know God is out there holding me up. I have felt Him through this process, but He's been gone lately. I no longer feel His presence. I can look back over these past 6 1/2 months and see how He's carried me and loved on me. However, at this moment in time, I can't sense Him, and I need Him to come back.

Aidan makes my days easier. I love being with him. He temporarily fixes my broken heart as it swells with love and pride for him. But when he's gone and when he's tucked into bed at night, I'm left to remember that my heart is shattered and the pieces don't fit together anymore.

Josh has become my strength. He's my knight in shining armor. His love for me rescues me from the dark places, because frankly, I don't feel lovable anymore. I'm not who I once was. I'm no longer naive or optimistic. I have a very dark side that even I don't like. But he stays by my side, holds me when I cry, and tells me how much he loves me still.

This evening, I had a scare. I thought I had lost my engagement ring. That ring means the world to me. Josh was not in a place financially to afford a ring like the one I own, but he worked his tail off doing odd jobs, he sold his playstation, and he spent every last penny he had to buy it. It is not replaceable. I sobbed into Josh's shoulder as I asked him after all the crap we've been through, why my ring? My ring that symbolizes all the love he has for me. He simply told me that it's just a ring and that he's still here and not going anywhere regardless of the crap we've been through and the crap that we'll go through. I needed to hear that. 30 minutes later, Josh found my ring.

I've been wearing a mask while trying to hide my sorrow from friends and family. I don't want them to worry about me, so I hide my pain. I keep waiting for it to go away, but Mom told me the other day that it'll take a good 5-10 years before the sting disappears. She's 30+ years out of the death of her brother, so I guess she knows. That was disappointing to hear. I'm exhausted from hiding. I can't do it anymore.

This is the real me - a 27 year old wife and mother of two boys, one living and one gone. I love all my boys tremendously. I'm still mourning the too soon death of my 2nd son, and am afraid that my sorrow will affect those around me negatively, so I find the strength to keep moving and put a smile on my face, but inside I'm a terrible mess and I long to be lifted up.