On Wednesday, baby Max was born via induction perfectly healthy with no complications. My mind has gone back and forth between, "I'm so glad he made it alive," to, "Life is unfair and cruel." I don't understand why Max is here and Levi is not. I never will. But I rejoice with Chris and Monica. I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I even told Monica I couldn't make it to the hospital because there are just too many memories that lie there, but I will come see her with dinner in my arms once she's home.
Today my perspective has changed a bit.
My friend Susan was not supposed to have her baby until December. However, this morning, he wasn't moving. She says it's because of me that she went to the hospital so soon. She underwent an emergency c-section. I knew none of the details other than Elijah wasn't moving and she was having a c-section.
I panicked. I lost my ability to think rationally. I re-experienced my emotions from the morning of April 30th. I called Josh who had to tell me to calm down so he could understand what I was saying. I could NOT bear to watch my best friend go through what I went through. I could NOT relive it all over again so soon. I couldn't even process my thoughts and emotions into words. I was with another friend at the time - my other friend Susan - and I'm pretty sure she didn't know what to do with me, so she just took me to her house where I could decompress.
Two hours went by before I heard from Susan. To hear her voice and to hear that Elijah made it out safely was such an overwhelming relief for me. I realized right then and there that I had to go to the hospital to see her. I had to let her know that in the midst of my emotional struggle, I truly do love her and want to be there for her. She's been here for me.
I saw him. I cried over him. He's beautiful. He's tiny. He's alive. He'll be in the NICU for awhile as he's not breathing fully on his own yet, but he will eventually go home with his family. I've already been named Aunt Amy, and I've already been given permission to come love on him anytime.
The love I have for my son in heaven needs to be given to someone.
So I'll give it to Elijah.
And to Max.
Because my perspective has been changed and I have an abundance of love to give. I won't lie. It's still not easy. But I will cherish those babies as if they're my own because I had a small glimpse of what it would be like if my friend lost hers. And I didn't like it.
5 comments:
I understand your feelings. One of my best friends was due ten days after me. I lost my daughter at 31 weeks & she had her son a month early due to complications. I was so incredibly worried about them. But at the same time I was a mess emotionally. I took about an hour to pick out flowers at the store on the way to hospital, probably subconciously prolonging arriving there. When we were almost there I broke down into sobs & almost had my husband turn the car around. You sound like an amazing friend. They are lucky to have you.
ok. I just sat on the edge of my seat, holding my breath while I read through this! DON"T DO THAT AGAIN!!!!!! So happy for both women and both boys! wow. Thanks for your honesty. I think I have some thinking to do.
You are such a sweet friend, and I love you. Thank you for walking with us, even when it's difficult.
I understand. One of my friends called me exactly one year from the date we got the news about our Levi. I answered the call expecting her to tell me she was thinking about me only to find out she'd had her baby at 31 weeks. I still haven't met her daughter just because we no longer live in the same town and our schedules are both crazy but I think about her often. As painful as the phonecall was I'd hate to have recieved one that mom and baby didn't make it (as both were in danger).
This is a really telling and heartfelt post. I can totally understand the switching back and forth between emotions and perspectives...totally normal, I'm sure! I've been through that too. It's hard. It's part of grieving one's own child. Yay you for hanging in there and dredging up love to give, even in times of your own hardship.
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