Growing Up & Happy Birthday, Dad!

My Aidan is growing up so much, and as much as I'm proud of him, it makes me sad. I no longer have a baby in my house, and I should. I'm still supposed to be dealing with baby stages, but my oldest child is talking in clear sentences, can get on the computer to play his games without my help, has now pooped in the potty two days in a row this week, can put a movie in the DVD player by himself, can build lego towers on his own, reads books to himself, and basically doesn't want my help with anything. My youngest child is no longer alive.

I know I'll have a baby in my house again one day, but I want my baby now. I should have a baby now, and I long for that. I've been thinking about Levi so much today, and I just miss him tremendously. So much that I'm a little down tonight.

Tonight we went to my parents' house to celebrate my dad's birthday which is tomorrow. They'll be driving to Houston tomorrow to help my sister move though, so celebrations took place today. Aidan insisted on carrying Papa's birthday present in the house. He then gave it to Papa, said, "Happy Birfday, Papa," and insisted that he open his present. Aidan knew what was inside that present. He watched me wrap it. It was an Ohio State Buckeyes Mr. Potato Head. My dad is a huge Buckeyes fan, so I thought it would be fun little gift. Aidan just saw it as Mr. Potato Head playing football, and the sooner Papa opened it, the sooner he could play with it.

I was amazed at his communication skills. I know I'm with him all day everyday, and I understand most everything that he says, but I don't always know what other people understand. Tonight, his speech was concise. He knew what he wanted, and he made it clear. He wanted ice cream cake and for Papa to open his present.

He even sang the ABC song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. I love that he knows those songs. He learned them at Mother's Day Out. Now, getting him to actually sing them to you is a challenge. Typically he says no, but sometimes you can catch him singing them on his own. The very first time he sang his ABC's, I was amazed. He picked up a pen and paper and told me he was going to write his name. (No, he can't really write his name, but he was scribbling on the paper.) While writing, he started singing, "A B C D.....X Y Z. Now I sang my ABCs..." I just stared in wonder. I didn't even know he knew that song. It's not perfect by any means. He gets jumbled up in the middle, but it still makes me smile inside and out.

All of this has made me realize that by the time we do have another baby in this house, Aidan will be old enough to comprehend what is happening. He didn't comprehend my pregnancy with Levi ,and he didn't know why Mommy was suddenly so sad, or why Mommy no longer had a baby in her tummy. But next time, he will. He now understands the concept of a baby. He'll be old enough to help by getting Mommy a diaper or getting a toy to play with his sibling.

As fast as Aidan is growing up, Levi would have made him grow up sooner. Aidan got to be my baby longer. Don't tell him though. He says he's a big boy. But sometimes, and just sometimes, he'll come sit in my lap and tell me he's a baby, and that's my clue that he wants cuddle time. I love my cuddle time with my Aidan, and I'll cherish it as long as he'll give it to me. But I still want a baby. I want more joy to come into our house. Something to take away a tiny portion of our sadness.

Happy Birthday, Dad. Thank you for doing what you can to ease my pain. I love you.