I can hardly believe it has already been one year since I lost you. Your presence in my life has forever changed the person that I am. I still ache with longing for you, and I suppose I always will. How I wish we were home celebrating your 1st birthday rather than mourning your passing.
A year ago on this very day, I was protected by shock. I didn't know how to react or how to feel, so I just didn't. I was so very, very numb. Now that I've had a year to process your absence and a year to go over the events of those few life changing days, it hurts so much more. The shock is gone and all I'm left with is the raw pain of grief.
It almost seems crazy for me to miss you so terribly when you hardly had a place in my life. I carried you in my womb for nine months. You never stepped foot inside our house. Your brother and your father never had the opportunity to meet you the way I did. Yet, my heart is left shattered without you.
I was told that the last step in grieving is to let go, but I'm not ready to let go. I realize that nothing I do will ever bring you back, but I just can't let go of you. I'm afraid if I let go, you'll be gone from me forever. You took a piece of me with you when you left, but all I have of you is a memory and a photograph. I want so much more. I want all of you. I know that there is no time table on grief and that it comes and goes, so I guess it's okay that I'm not ready to let go because I'm not done grieving you.
One year. 365 days. How could this much time have passed already? I never thought I'd make it this far. I don't want this life, but it's mine, so I have no choice but to embrace it and move forward as best I can, hurt and all. I know that God is the one giving me the strength to do so. Is He taking good care of you, Levi? Does He tell you how very much I love you?
I love you, dearest.
Always and forever your Mommy.
7 comments:
Oh, thinking constantly about you and your fam today! didn't realize today was already the 30th. Hoped I had a few more days but apparantly I lost track and to me, it's been the 27th for 3 days now.
such a sweet post and can't imagine writing similar things in 4 weeks.
Love the sweet picture of you and Levi- praying for God to fill your heart with peace on such an emotion filled day!
My heart is with you. ((HUGS))
I don't think God wants you to forget - ever. And letting go is in your time - not anyone else's. HUGS and praying for comfort for you guys today.
I have a hard time realizing it has been over 2 years since my angel went to be with God. The world of grief seems forever frozen as time passes around us. My thoughts and prayers are with you. *hugs*
Remembering your precious Levi with you today.
Such precious words.
Thinking of you today, and remembering Levi with you! Happy 1st birthday in heaven, little Levi!
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