I so badly want answers. I'm frustrated by the lack of answers I'm receiving. Today I went back to an endocrinologist. I haven't seen one since Aidan was probably 9 months to a year old, and the only reason I went then was because blood work from my general practioner indicated that my thyroid was over producing (I had post partum hyperthyroidism) and my hemoglobin A1C (average glucose levels over a 6 month period) was at a 12 (it should be between 6 and 7).
Anyway, I decided with Levi's death I need to get myself back under the advice of a specialized doctor. I really really hate that this is what it took to make me wake up and come to this realization. My thyroid is enlarged again, so it looks like I'm going to have the same post partum issues with it. Have I mentioned how much it totally sucks to have post partum crap but no baby to make it all worthwhile? Because it does in case you were wondering. Blood work was done to confirm what the doctor thinks is very likely. I'll get those results in a few days.
A few posts back I wrote about how I've been wondering if Levi's death had anything to do with my diabetes and possibly having too high blood glucose levels. My hemoglobin A1C was a 7.6 today. Not perfect, but not overly high either. It indicates that my blood sugars have not been too out of control for the past 6 months leading Dr. F to say today that he doubts Levi's death had anything to do with diabetes at all. This is good news and bad news for me. Good news because I can stop beating myself up over it. Bad news because I still don't know what caused Levi to die.
If only I could know why then maybe I could find some peace. All the 'what ifs' and 'if onlys' are truly eating me alive. I keep thinking of possible scenarios that might have changed the outcome. The only problem being that I can't turn back time to try them out, so what's the point? Only my brain won't stop. It keeps hunting for answers. Answers to an unanswerable question.
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