Circles

I find myself moving in a circular pattern. The teacher and visual learner in me is wanting to draw it all out on a diagram to show everyone, however, I'm not sure how to achieve said diagram on this particular website, so rather than frustrate myself to no end, I'm not even going to attempt it. You're just going to have to read about it instead. The day I found out Levi had died, I was utterly and completely numb. Sure, I was sad and I cried, but I didn't feel much and the reality hadn't hit me yet. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but I didn't want to be alone either. I just wanted to be.

The next couple of days are all a blur of sadness, confusion, anxiety, physical pain, and overwhelming emotions. I didn't know what I wanted from anyone and everyone I knew wanted to do something. I was released from the hospital just two days after Levi died, but under strict orders to do nothing. I was basically on bed rest considering I had just undergone major abdominal surgery. My doctor was just kind enough to realize the hospital was the last place on earth I wanted to be. I couldn't eat. My appetite was gone. I spent those nights awake and sobbing. A gut wrenching grief and feeling of loss overcame me. My hope was gone. My dreams were shattered.

The funeral was four days after Levi died. That day I knew I had to be strong. I put on a dress and did my hair and make-up for Levi. Through my physical pain, I stood, in heels mind you, for my son. I cried hard. I grieved deeply. I used an entire box of tissue. But that was Levi's day. People were there to see him and this was the one chance I got to do something for him. The one day I could be his mom and not just his mother. I ignored the pleas from everyone to sit down, to rest, to ride in a car or a wheelchair to the grave side. I had to stand and to walk for the sake of my son. He needed to know that his mother can be strong when needed. Afterwards, I went back to my parents' house and I crashed.

The rest of the week I slept until noon. I stayed in my pajamas and robe all day. I lost myself on the internet. I cried. A lot. I didn't eat unless food was placed directly in front of me, and even then I only picked at it. I lost 30 pounds in the first 2 weeks. I did force myself out a couple of times for Josh and Aidan's sake. But I withdrew deeply. I relied on drugs to sleep and for my pain. I still do at times.

Then the fear and anger hit. I can't even describe how intense those two emotions can be through something like this. I blamed everyone and everything including God. I'm still angry with Him.

Then one day I had a moment of peace. I laid on the floor and cried out to God to take my pain away, and for just one tiny moment, I felt peace. I knew Levi was ok. Then it was gone and my deep, gut wrenching grief was back. As was the fear, anger, insecurity, sadness, loneliness, confusion, disbelief, heartache...need I go on?

It's all still here. Every last emotion. Sometimes I feel it all at once. Sometimes it's one right after the other. Sometimes it's just too much to handle. Like I said, I'm going in circles. Oh, how I wish grief was linear so I could just check off each step as I reach it. Unfortunately, it's not, and I have to experience each emotion countless times. I don't ever think I'll reach the end. Acceptance is the end. How could I possibly ever accept the fact that my son is gone from me forever? I keep waiting to wake up from my nightmare. My nightmare that still keeps me awake at night. My nightmare that wrecks havoc on my mind. My nightmare that has the potential to destroy my relationships with other people. But, alas, this is my living nightmare. The thing I never thought would happen to me.

I'm heading down to the Houston area tomorrow for a week. L&G's 2nd birthday is on Saturday and Josh leaves Monday for middle school camp. I didn't want to be home alone and the twins' birthday falls at such a convenient time, so I'm spending a week with my sister. I probably won't be blogging much while there, but please keep me in your prayers. I still desperately covet and need them.