Honestly, I think it's because I spent a lot of time at the store with my friend Susan yesterday buying things for the nursery - paint colors and decorations. The conversation I had with Aidan earlier today (see previous post) made me realize Aidan is now expecting a baby to come into our home. I'm pretty sure we've finally settled on a name as well, or at least Aidan is adamant about what the name should be based on the 3 choices we told him. With Levi, Aidan was too young to understand what was going on. We never changed a room to accommodate for a baby; we simply moved Aidan from the crib to the twin bed that had always been in his room. This time he's noticing that we're changing the computer room to the baby's room. He talks about it and makes comments about the change.
All of this scares me because what if it all goes wrong again? What if I do all this preparation and I come home with empty arms once again? It will not only hurt Josh and me this time around, but Aidan too. I've explained to a couple of my friends, much to their dismay, that I do not want a baby shower this time around because I'm afraid of jinxing myself in some way. They finally convinced me to have one after the baby is born, which is fine, but I do not want gifts or celebrations beforehand that I might have to return to the store. Even if I do receive a few odds and ends beforehand, they will not be taken out of the packaging or washed prior to the baby coming home. My mom and I are making all the crib bedding, but even that scares me a bit because once the fabric is cut and sewn, I can't return it. The crib sheets won't be kept in a nice little package with the receipt taped to it just in case.
I prepared so much for Levi. My home was all set up for him to return to it with me. But he didn't. His body was buried in a cemetery instead and I was left behind to deal with the aftermath.
Perhaps a part of me thinks that if I don't prepare for this baby then it won't hurt so much if I lose him too.
2 comments:
oh, amy, those feelings and thoughts are SO natural! i wish you could go back in my daughter's blog and read those exact words she wrote. when she was pregnant with henry after losing sydney, she was a nervous wreck. unlike women who miscarry early in the pregnancy, her stress and anxiety grew because she lost sydney at the end of her pregnancy, much like you did. because she had an abruption at 8 months with liam and with sydney at 7 months, she was fearful that it would happen again. she was a nervous wreck so they put her in the hospital 2 weeks early just to watch and monitor her. they took him 6 weeks early just as a precaution and he weighed 5 lb 3 oz and was (is) perfect. i am praying this for you - and for calm and peace. henry didn't replace sydney and it was a bittersweet birth but he has blessed their lives as they continue to honor sydney's memory every day. henry is 7 months now and a pistol! hope you can relax but i KNOW how hard this is for you. prayers....
Praying Philippians 4:6,7 for you. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
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