Really, I do. My friends are the best. A tragedy really puts a person's friendships into perspective. You know beyond a shadow of a doubt that family will always stand by your side because they love you beyond comprehension. I certainly could not have made it to where I am without my family. But it's those friendships that stand by your side when you are at your ugliest that speak volumes. They are those special people that God places in your life at just the right moment who never give up on you and force you stand up and keep moving when all you feel like doing is giving up on life. They are the friends who still reach out with arms of love 10 months later because they realize you are still hurting even this far out. They realize that I still miss him and that I think about him every single day with a longing heart. Those are the friends that I've been pondering. Those are the friends that make me realize how incredibly blessed I truly am.
God is moving in Josh and my life. I can't say what yet, but after this weekend, I hope to have a clearer understanding of what is going on. If things continue to move forward, our lives are going to change drastically. I have spent a lot of time in prayer over this, and have come to the realization that if I can survive the death of my son, everything else in life is easy by comparison. Nothing can be as tragic or heartbreaking as what I endured 10 long months ago. I have realized that I can make it through this life, and though I'll never understand Levi's death or think of Levi's death as something good, I know that God is using his very, very short life to mold me into something good. Romans 8:28 is a verse I have come to despise. If I can give anyone a piece of advice, don't quote that verse to someone going through grief. It doesn't come across very well. However, I recently heard a sermon over it that made me think. It was explained that my definition of the word 'good' is wrong. 'Good' in human terms is not the same as 'good' in God's terms. To God, 'good' means molding us to be more Christ-like. It means using every single experience in my life, including the death of my son, to make me more like Him. It is not the event of Levi's death that is good. It is the journey afterwards.
Being an adult is hard. So many times I have wished to go back to my care free days of childhood. I don't understand why it is that I so desperately wanted to grow up. As I child, I didn't know the evils of life. I trusted my mom and dad wholeheartedly because I knew they could fix anything and everything. I see this very thing in the eyes of my own little boy. Aidan trusts that I will take care of every little thing for him. But the truth is, life hurts, and making decisions is hard, especially when you know a decision that is right for you and your family is going to hurt others around you. That is my struggle today. You see, this place I feel God might be calling Josh, Aidan, and me, means we have to leave others behind, and I don't know if I'm ready for that. All I can do is ponder, pray, and trust that as a child of God, He has my best interest at heart.
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