Intercession

I've been having a hard time dealing with things in my life these past couple of weeks. I'm not sure why, and I don't let it show to very many people, but last night, as I laid in bed with tears rolling down my cheeks, I realized I need to figure out how to deal with life again.

You see, 9 months ago, my life as I knew it came crashing down, and I have yet to figure out how to put all the pieces back together again. Sure, most of the pieces are in place, but there are still a few very vital pieces that are missing.

The 9 month mark tore me apart much more than I expected. The fact that Levi has now been dead longer than he was ever alive, and that I've experienced life without him longer than life with him is a hard fact to live with.

A couple other things that I don't yet feel at liberty to discuss have come to play this past week as well. One of those things created great disappointment, and upset me much, much more than I anticipated. The other leaves my future in the unknown, which is a scary place for me to be. See, I'm a planner. I know what I want from life, and I make it happen. I lost that ability 9 months ago. Not having that ability and having to trust the Lord is frightening to me. I'm not sure I'm ready to trust Him yet, but He's forcing it upon me.

So, as I begin my search for inner peace and calm, as I learn to trust the Lord again and lay my life out in front of Him, I beg of you to intercede on my behalf. I beg you to pray that I continue to not only be the best wife and mother I can be, but to improve in those roles daily as I fear I'm letting those two roles in my life fail. I beg you to pray that God clearly shows the path of my future to me and gives me peace about it, whatever the outcome may be. I beg you to pray that my heart continues to soften and breaks free of the bitterness surrounding it. I beg you to pray that Aidan never realizes the heartache that his mother is experiencing and is in no way negatively affected by the circumstances surrounding Levi's death.