Lately, I feel the urge to run. I want to pack up my family and run to a place where we can escape all our pain and heartache. Holidays and family and friends and gatherings and parties make it hard to escape my sorrow. Christmas has always been about family for me, but this year, for the first time, I dread Christmas because my beloved Levi is forever missing. Christmas morning will not be complete. So, I want to run away from holidays and family and friends and gatherings and parties. I'm fighting an urge to withdraw, but I'm afraid I'm not going to win this battle. I'm contacting my friends less and less, and I'm staying home more and more. I don't even want to leave my house in order to go to Aidan's grandparents' houses for Christmas celebrations. I want to stay within the confines of the walls of my home, my safe haven where I can be me. Outside of these walls, I feel that I have to put on a brave face for others, but I don't want to anymore. I'm going back into my safe place. A place that I don't let many people in because it hurts less that way.
Lately, I look forward to seeing Aidan's face on Christmas morning. He understands what is going on for the first time this year. He asked Santa for a bike, and Santa is bringing him a bike, so I know he's going to thrilled. I look forward to seeing the look of excitement on my almost 3 years old's face on Christmas morning.
Lately, I hate that this season is so bittersweet for Josh and me.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry- every day can be hard but the holidays can be overwhelming. I'll be thinking of you!!
it won't get easier but you WILL get stronger. i promise. praying for you.
I understand. I can remember how isolated and sad and angry I felt last Christmas. I also remember how much the day itself meant to me - seeing my two older ones so excited. I don't know if it's any consolation to say that I'm finding it hard again this year - but not as hard. There is more gentleness this year and the things that were impossible last year are difficult but do-able this time around.
I truly think that the important thing is to be very, very kind to yourself. I hope that you find some peace and gentleness in this hard season.
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