I don't understand why we have to live in such a broken and cruel world. I don't understand the necessity for pain and heartache. I don't understand why an innocent infant had to die such a senseless death. I don't understand why I was left behind to endure the aftermath. I don't understand, but I choose to trust God.
It is hard for me to trust though. It's a daily struggle to trust a God that I feel let me down by allowing my son to die. But I know my God. I know He loves me. I know he mourns with me. My world was shaken, yet He stood by me while I fought my way out of depression and deep, deep anger towards Him. I'm still angry, I don't trust easily, I'm cynical towards the "easy answers" people give in times of hurt, I don't waste my time with people who have let me down, I'm extremely fearful of losing the rest of my family, but I love with a deeper passion. That love comes from God. I can love because He loves me with that same passion. That is how I move forward.
I watched a Hermie and Friends video by Max Lucado with Aidan the other day, and in it, Hermie wasn't happy being an ordinary caterpillar and kept trying to become something he wasn't, but God kept telling Hermie that He wasn't finished with him yet. Eventually, Hermie became a beautiful butterfly. It was a simple children's video, but through it, I was reminded that God is not finished with me yet. Through my bitterness and rage, he has opened my heart to love others more than I have ever before. He wouldn't give me that without a reason. I choose to believe He isn't finished with my family yet. I will love on another baby one day - a baby of my own. My lifetime heart's desire has been to be a mother to multiple children. I know that I already am, but I also want to raise multiple children, not just birth them.
I miss my son, and I always will, but through him, I am learning who I truly am.
5 comments:
I woke up early this morning...around 5am...thinking of you and Levi. I know this day each month is both special and sad for you. I love the friendship we've developed and am thankful for the privelege of being your friend during this time. Much love!!
I'm sorry. I wish neither of us had to learn some of these lessons and both of our Levis were still with us. Thinking of you!
What a sweet reminder- that on this side of heaven the Lord is continually working on us, causing us to look more like His Son. He isn't finished with us! I don't understand His methods any more than you do, but I'm thankful that I can boldly ask Him to help me trust Him when it hurts too much to. I'm praying that for you now, friend.
I saw your comment on my page and followed over to check it out. I am brought to tears over your Levi's story. What a perfect, precious little soul. I am devestated for your loss but overwhelmed with the grace that you have shown. Wow. He would have been exactly one month older than my Levi...to the day. Thank you for sharing your story.
"Through him, I am learning who I truly am." What a powerful statement. Thanks for this really thoughtful post...I enjoy reading about this kind of insight.
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