Two Years

I'm not really sure how to start this post, or even what to say. All I know is that today is 2 years since we said goodbye to Levi all too soon.

It's funny how all the emotions of that day can still come back and bulldoze me - sadness, depression, guilt, anger, worthlessness, pain, fear, loneliness, disorientation...just to name a few. It's all so overwhelming, and feels as if it will never end. While the mind-numbing pain of his loss no longer affects me daily, he is still constantly on my mind, and I don't believe I will ever stop thinking about or longing for Levi's little hands in mine. I have my good days, and I have my bad days. On my good days, I am completely over the moon in love with my husband and two other children, and thank God for my blessings, but I still wish I could have Levi. On my bad days, I just want to tune out the world, curl up in a ball, and cry one more time about my lost baby. Today is a bad day.

I still ask why. A lot. I no longer expect an answer. I know an answer won't come until the day I see Jesus face to face. But on that day, I don't think it'll matter anymore. Levi will once again be in my arms. I imagine scooping him up at the gates of heaven. It's a wonderful dream of mine.

I can truthfully say that while I'm still in turmoil at times, I have a peace most days. I thank my God for that peace. I never thought it would come, but it did, and I know my loving Savior poured out his peace over me. So many promises are given through Biblical passes. I clung to several:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. Isaiah 40:3

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which trancends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians. 4:6-7

I continue to cling to these promises as I know God is still working in me. I never could have made it this far without his loving arms holding me up and guiding me moment by moment. Thank you, God, for loving me.

The hardest part for me has been learning how to raise my two living boys in the midst of grief. I'm terrified of losing them, too, so sometimes I cling too hard. I'm having to learn to trust God to protect them when they are out of my sight.

I've periodically shared songs that have touched my heart in some way since something about music is so potent to me nowadays. I ran across this song awhile back, and felt it accurately reflects my thoughts about Levi. It's called Not a Day Goes By by Lonestar.

Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by

Levi,
Dear precious child of mine, you are always on my mind. How I wish I could have stayed up late last night putting the finishing touches on your birthday cake, and spent the last few weeks fretting over what to get you for your birthday. I wish that today we had the house decorated and were awaiting the arrival of friends and family to come celebrate your two years on earth. I wish that my house would be filled with the laughter of a small boy and his friends. Instead, we will take flowers to your grave and tears will flow from our eyes as we lament the loss of your life before you ever took your first breath of air. My child, I love you dearly, and I HATE that my disease is what most likely took your life. For that I am so utterly sorry. I rejoice knowing that you will never feel this sadness that breaks my heart. Happy 2nd Heavenly Birthday, my love.
Mommy