Three Years

Sweetest Levi,
It's now been three years since I last held you in my arms and gazed at your precious face. I had one day to hold you. One day to take in as much of you as I could. It wasn't enough. It'll never be enough. I will be forever thankful that you ran your race, finished your fight, and are now experiencing the fullness of knowing Christ. But I want more. I'll always want more.

It feels wrong to wish you back though. Why would I ask you to return to this life of pain and suffering when you're living a joyous life with your heavenly Father? For myself. Because of my pain and suffering. Because of the lifetime I have set before me of grieving you. But one day, my child, one day we will be together again. Together in the presence of our Savior. No tears. No pain. I can't even begin to tell you how much I look forward to that day. To see your eyes and hear your laughter - things I'll never have this side of heaven. To hug you tight and smell your sweet scent. To brush your hair from your eyes and kiss your full cheeks. I miss you, Levi. Oh, how I miss you. You are the piece of my heart that will forever be missing.

Your brothers know your name but they'll never know you. They know your story and that you live in heaven. They know it makes Mommy sad. I don't want them to speak of you with sadness though. I want them to smile as they speak your name. I want them to rejoice in knowing you live with Jesus. So I made a decision. Today we will celebrate instead of mourn. There will be tears. There are already tears. But we will celebrate the life God gave you. We will celebrate the impact you have made on others. We will celebrate that your too short life has changed Mommy and Daddy for the better. I will bake you a cake today, Levi. We will write you letters and send them up to heaven on the strings of balloons. We will bring flowers to your grave. We will cry and we will wish you were here to celebrate your birthday with us, but we will also thank God for loving you. We will thank Him for holding you when we couldn't. We will thank Him for holding us tight when you couldn't stay. For softening the sharp edges of grief and bringing peace to our home again enabling us to move forward with life. But most of all, I will thank God for entrusting me to be your mother even when the circumstances are never what I dreamed for. I love you.

Always and forever,
Mommy