Shoulda Beens

This evening we celebrated my nephew's first birthday. It was a blast. The kids loved it. There was a bounce house. A huge bounce house. We ate, we talked, we laughed. My sister did a fantastic job putting the party together. And then I came home and thought about you. About how I should be planning your third birthday party for next weekend, but how that's not going to happen because you're gone. I thought about Grammy mentioning her necklace tonight and how your name isn't on it. About how sometimes it feels as if others forget you and not many mention you by name anymore. I thought about how three years ago at this time I was very pregnant with you and very excited to see your face, and now this time of the year makes me sad. And so now I'm up late instead of sleeping. I'm grieving and crying and wanting you. I'm tormented by the "shoulda beens." I'm wishing you were here, asleep in the bunk bed with your brother. I'm wishing my pain away. I'm wishing my dreams weren't crushed three years ago. I'm wishing my heart wasn't quite so broken. I'm wishing you were here.