Eighteen Months

Today marks one and a half years without my Levi, and I now find I have a hard time verbalizing how I'm feeling. I am absolutely in love with Aidan and Quinn, and they make my days worth living, but my heart still yearns for Levi. To know life with Levi, with all 3 of my boys, is my heart's deepest desire. I often find myself imagining what my days would be like if I had my 18 month old to add to the mix of boys in my home. How I would love my morning cuddles to include just one more blue eyed babe. But that wish will never be fulfilled. My heart is to go on yearning for a lifetime.

Out at the cemetery today, Aidan started asking more questions. He wanted to know where Quinn's gravestone was, and we had to explain that he and Quinn don't have one because they still live with us. He asked again if Levi lives with Jesus. He asked if Levi was his brother too. It then dawned on him. He has two brothers, and he very nearly broke my heart when he said, "I want my other brother here." With tears in my eyes, I responded, "Babe, Mommy and Daddy want your other brother here too."

I don't visit the cemetery often. Today was my first time back since the one year mark. At times I feel guilty that I don't visit more, but it's not a place I like to go. I don't find comfort there like so many other people do. It's a place of sadness. It hold memories of one of the worst days of my life. Levi isn't there. It is simply a stone marking the place where the empty shell of his body lies. I want so much more than that.

Prior to Quinn's arrival, Aidan started asking a lot of questions about death. They would stem from the pictures of Levi around our house. These are not easy conversations to have with a 3 year old. Trying to be honest without scaring him is a very fine line. I hate that he has experienced death in a way most 3 year olds will never have to encounter.

Today I am sad, and the only comfort I find is in holding my two living children tight in my arms.