Levi

I realize I don't write about Levi much anymore. It's as if I've spewed all my emotions out already and I no longer have the words to describe the ache in my heart. The forever ache.

He's very present, however. In every little thing I do to prepare for this new life growing within me, I think of him. I think of all the things I never got to do for or with him. I wonder what he would look like now. I wonder what his personality would be. I imagine him and Aidan playing together, as well as having brotherly spats. He would be walking now and possibly speaking a few words.

As I was looking through Aidan's baby clothes the other day, I realized there were no newborn clothes under his bed. It took me a few moments to realize they're all in the attic. The attic is where all of Levi's things are stored. Then the fear hit me. I'm going to have to get Levi's things from the attic soon. The things I have been unable to look through up to this point are going to be needed for the new baby - who does have a name, but I'm not ready to share it publicly quite yet.

I have been pushing aside this fear, but as I progress further along in my pregnancy and get closer and closer to the point at which I lost Levi, the fear creeps in closer and closer as well. I pray it away often, but it always comes back. I have full confidence that this child will make it, but I'm afraid to fully believe it. I can't lose another child.

Of course, I never believed I could survive the death of just one child, but here I am. God has truly shown me what a "peace that surpasses all understanding" means. Despite all my hurt, my life has held together because of my faith in my Heavenly Father and the promise that I have through Him to be reunited with my child again one day. It makes no sense for for me to experience peace amongst my turmoil, but without it, I would no longer be able to love the way I do for fear of loss again. Without it, I never would have been able to pull myself out of bed and put my life back together. Without it, I would never have been able to go forward with my current pregnancy.

But still,
As I sort through baby clothes, I long for the child that never wore them.
As I watched Josh put the crib back together, I longed for the child that never slept in it.
As I listen to Aidan talk about his little brother, I long for the little brother he'll never know.
As I make plans to bring the little one growing under my heart home, I long to bring the child I never held home.