Crying Out

As the one year anniversary of Levi's death is approaching (too quickly, in my opinion) my mind keeps going back to the days after it all happened - the days that I could barely manage to drag myself out of bed. One event particularly stands out to me.

It was mid-morning about one or two days after Levi's funeral. Josh was in the living room with Aidan, and I was curled up in bed still wearing my pajamas. I remember rolling over and staring at the ceiling with tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't audibly speak, but in my head I cried out to God. I told Him to take me. "Just take me away from all this. Save me from all this pain. I want to be with my son. I don't want to hurt. I want to hold my son."

Aidan walked in at that moment, and interrupted my prayer. He pulled the sheets off my body, and said, "Mommy, get up!"

I got up and followed him to his room, where he sat in my lap to play.

Months later, I finally realize that God answered my prayer in that moment. Not in the way that I was asking, but he sent my son into my room so that I could be with him and hold him. Not the son I was asking for, but still my son.

Aidan played a huge role in saving me. Aidan made me get out of bed and move on. I had to provide for him even if it meant only going through the motions, but going through the motions eventually led me to living again.

Sure, the pain is still there, but Aidan brought happiness amongst the pain. Yes, there are still days that I simply go through the motions, but they are surrounded by days that I truly take in the joy of living. I achingly miss my newborn son, but I lovingly hold on to my 3 year old son.

By no means am I beyond my grief, but I no longer live in a fog. I feel as if I lost time while I lived in my fog and the rest of the world moved on. I can't believe April 30th is just a little over a month away.

I felt abandoned by God in those most painful days of grief, but now that the veil is slowly being lifted from my eyes, I see that He was there all along. He knew exactly what I needed and He gave it to me. Even in my anger towards Him, He still provided for me. He loved me enough to look past my bitterness and care for me the way no one else could.

"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4