It still hurts

I don't write here much anymore, and I'm ok with that. This place was an outlet I needed during some of my roughest spots, and I'm not saying that life is now perfect, but I don't really need this outlet anymore. Plus, there's so much of my life I can't share due to legalities of foster care and adoption. One day soon I hope to be able to share, but for now, I must remain silent. However, with all the said, I've been struggling lately. You see, this April will be 5 years since Levi has been gone. FIVE YEARS. I remember my mom telling me my grief probably wouldn't totally subside until at least five years out, and at the time, that seemed so far away, but now it's here, and it doesn't seem like it happened all that long ago, and I don't think my grief is leaving anytime soon. I still vividly remember all the details, all the shock, all the pain, everything. And it still hurts. A lot.

Josh and I are painting our walls this weekend, and last night as I was taking down all the pictures, I found myself taking extra care to wipe all the dust off Levi's pictures while studying his face once again. I wonder what he would look like now. What would his personality be like? Would he be inquisitive like Aidan, rough and tumble like Quinn, or entirely different all together? I should be working on school enrollment forms for him to start Kindergarten in the fall. I should be teaching him to write his name and learning to read. Oh, what I would give to hear the sound of his voice.

I've discovered that every stage of life brings new hurts and new longings, so I don't know that the hurt will ever disappear. It lessens, but it's never gone. It's no longer a daily ache. Sometimes, it all comes crashing in at once and leaves me on my knees struggling to breathe. Other times, it's sweet memories of the time I did have with him growing beneath my heart, or precious dreams of what life with all 3 of my boys would be like.

Levi's too short life certainly changed the trajectory of Josh's and my life. We considered our life good and easy before him. I sometimes wish for those easy times again. I want to be naïve and carefree once more, but we had to find our "new normal" and learn how to function again in the midst of our pain. We had to parent one child while desperately longing for our second. We had to learn how to continue to love each other and help one another in the midst of our own, very different grief's. We learned to be strong. We witnessed true community. We felt the peace of God cover us. Adoption was never part of our plan, but it turns out God had a different plan in mind for us, and laid it very heavily on our hearts. We've now had 4 precious girls in our home because of Levi's life. Though we lost him, he has given us so much.

But, I still miss him. I still hurt for him. The knowledge of five years is hard for me. As April 30th draws closer, I imagine it will only get harder. Be patient with me as you see the tears fall. It may seem so long ago for you, but for me, it was moments ago. Remember my sweet boy, because memories are all I have to hold on to.