Answering His Call

June 2009, just over a month after Levi passed, I sat in church listening to a sermon on how every believer has a responsibility in adoption whether it be prayer, finances, or bringing a child home. I argued with God. I sat in my seat and declared that He was not talking to me. Adoption was not for our family. Levi did not die so that I could adopt. I was having another baby, maybe two more babies, and that was that. End of discussion. And it was. For the time being.

I never spoke a word of that to anyone. I put it out of my mind and continued to grieve while obsessing over when I could get pregnant again. February 2010, 10 months after Levi passed, I found out I was pregnant with Quinn. During my pregnancy, I obsessed with getting my baby out alive, and 35 weeks later, my rainbow baby was born alive and kicking. My prayers had been answered. "For this child I have prayed, and the Lord has granted my request." 1 Samuel 1:27

Once Quinn was born, there was no doubt in my mind that I would still have another child. I told Josh this. I told him that I wanted to try to add a daughter to our family. He said, "I know a way to guarantee you'll get a daughter." I just stared at him. I knew exactly what he was referring to without ever asking. You see, God had spoken to Josh on that same weekend, and just like I never shared it with Josh, he never shared it with me. God gave us another biological child just like we asked for, and now He was bringing adoption back to the forefront of our minds. I still wasn't sure though. Josh and I agreed to pray about it independently and make a final decision when Quinn turned two.

I make decisions by talking. I like to bounce ideas off other people and get their input. Majority of my family and friends showed hesitation when I talked about another pregnancy. "But, Amy, you can't get pregnant again!" "You'll always be at risk for having another stillborn." "I don't want to see you get hurt again." "You've already put your body through this three times. Do you really think you can handle it again?" "I can't watch you go through that again. I don't think you'll survive it a 2nd time."

Can I just stop here and say how much these words hurt me. I'm Levi's mommy. I know how much it hurts to lose a child. But I also know how strongly my heart desires another child, and to be told that I shouldn't have another child by those that love me most hurts, especially when they know my desires. But little did I know that through these words, God was about to change my heart.

I still wasn't ready to consider adoption. I didn't think I could love an adopted child as much as my biological children. I really wanted someone to side with me, but no one really did, so I figured I would go this alone. Until one day, something made me decide to do some research. I looked up international adoption, domestic adoption, and adoption from the foster system. Of the three, foster to adopt stood out the most to me. I did further research into that area and really felt my heart being tugged. I showed everything to Josh. We discussed it some and decided to pray over it for a few days.

"Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."  James 1:27

"And whoever receives one such child in My name receives me."  Matthew 18:5

Those verses spoke clearly to me. I have been commanded to help the orphans. We began calling agencies. We set up an orientation meeting in January with the second agency we contacted. We told them over the phone that we were interested in female infants. During the conversation, I mentioned needing time to move Quinn out of the crib. She looked at Quinn, who was 15 months at the time, and asked, "You want a child younger than him?" The meeting ended rather quickly after we answered yes. I cried on the way home. I thought this is what we were supposed to do, had gotten myself excited about beginning the process, only to be told that getting an infant was going to be close to impossible.

After taking about a month to process my heartache and pray for direction, I gave Josh numbers for a few more agencies and asked him to call and to be extremely specific about what we want. The first agency he called said yes. We are currently working with a faith based agency (yay!) and while they say it may take longer to get a baby, it's not impossible, and will license us to receive children aged 0-2 years. We are currently in the process of getting our home ready to pass the fire and health inspections and have completed all our pre-service training, which I will admit, almost had me walking out on the whole idea at more than one point. However, it has also changed our mindset on why we're doing this. Initially, we walked into this because we wanted to add to our family. We still do, but this has become a ministry to the child. We don't know how many children will be in our home before one becomes available for adoption, but we do know that we can love each and every child and show them the love of Christ. We are going to be given the opportunity to potentially change eternity for the children coming into our home. I consider it a priviledge to be burdened with this calling. Who wouldn't love to love on babies in need?