Trust

trust - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

So I ask, How does one regain trust in the God they have whole heartedly believed in and relied on their entire life after the tragedy of losing a child?

While I know that being a Christian does not promise me a life free from trials, I never truly believed I would suffer in the way I have in these past 15 months. I had full trust that God would spare me from tribulations that caused the pain that made me want to never wake up from sleep.

But I was wrong.

And when faced with that reality, I found it hard to have reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc. of God because in my frail, human mind, He failed me. He didn't perform the miracle I desperately prayed for while lying on the OR table - the miracle of breathing life into my dead child that the Bible states He is capable of doing. He didn't spare me the pain of losing a child - a pain that I fervently pray no other mother or father has to face because it is just that painful.

This is not something I have liked about myself. I want to be a person who has so much faith that even during times of tribulation, I can turn to my God and trust Him with all of my being, knowing that even though I don't understand why bad things are happening to me that He is still in control and will use it all for His glory. But sometimes I doubt and I question and I kick and I scream. I fight God for control of my own life. But what am I to do when something beyond my control takes place in my life?

Trust Him.

A few weeks ago, while reading a book for a woman's Bible study, I met Gideon. His story stuck with me. You see, God asked him to do something that he wasn't sure he could do and when God told him to trust Him, Gideon asked for proof.

"Gideon said to God, "If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised - look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said." And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew - a bowl-ful of water. Then Gideon said to God, "Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece. This time make the fleece dry and the ground covered with dew." That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew." Judges 6:36-40

I guess I find God's patience with Gideon reassuring. I've always thought a "good Christian" should have full trust in God's ability to come through for them, so lately I haven't felt like a "good Christian." In fact, I've felt like I've been floundering in my faith. Gideon saved Israel because of his trust in God, but it was a trust he needed God to prove to him, and God did. Twice. So maybe, just maybe, God can prove Himself to me too. Because I want my trust back.

I want to trust that I will be given the opportunity to raise this little one growing in my womb. I want to trust that God will pull Josh and I out of our newest struggle that leaves me wondering when is enough, enough. I want to trust God in all aspects of my life. But I need a little jumpstart to get me going again.